by Paul
Feb 4, 2009 10:55
I can tear some serious ass. Believe me. In fact to prove it, I'll tell you how I know. Incidentally, I realize some of you are totally shocked to learn I'm a short white dude, but I digress. By the way I should warn the reader in advance that this particular post will contain some toilet humor. Generally I try to keep it clean, but sometimes I digress. But, I digress.
The other day I wander into the executive wash room at work. I have named the executive wash room accordingly because it...
a) is not in the office at all, but out back in the warehouse.
2) has an ENTIRE SHOWER in it. Awesome.
Anyway, I'm out there to take the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl. I love playing football at work because it accomplishes the awesome task combination of dropping anchor, getting paid, and taking up work time not working, all at once. It's quite the tri-fecta.
I mosey in, drop trou', and... the seat is broken. I mean literally. Cracked smooth in half on one side. My immediate reaction is "oh shit." Then I thought, "Haha... I said 'shit,' and it is. I'm funny." How do you crack a toilet seat? Constipation? Favoring one side too much? I'm not sure honestly. I'm not that big of a dude to be sitting down and cracking toilet seats. Believe me, if I did, this entry would be about me bragging about it. It's not an issue of embarrassment... I think think I'm physically incapable.
Enough of this joke. I've got business to attend to. The kids are late for swim class. Since I'm always thinking ahead, I note to myself I should be careful so I don't get my ass cheek caught in the crack. "That'd be funny." I says to myself.
Turns out, it's not funny.
No sooner do I bring in the Haz-Mat team to clean up the fallout, and I realize I am, in fact, trapped in the toilet seat crack. Shit. "Haha, I said 'shit' again. Oh right this hurts. FUCK!" Once I manage to extricate myself from my shitty situation, I wrap things up.
Washing my hands at the sink, I'm thinking to myself... that hurt. That hurt a lot. This must be how girls feel at City Nights (inside Bay Area joke there). No but ("Haha 'butt.'") seriously. In fact, I note to myself... it's a sharp enough pain that if I didn't know better, I would think I was bleeding. Haha. That's funny, I say to myself as I glance over at the toilet and notice a slight discoloration on the seat. Is that... Oh shit (Ha!). That looks like... oh snaps. That IS blood. I AM bleeding. I break out my butt cheek to verify, and sure enough, there's a small cut on my ass cheek.
"You've got to be shitting me."We have a new toilet seat now.