by John
Oct 14, 2005 08:13
I'm an on-the-go new millennium type of guy. And by that I mean a lazy, hasty, and self-absorbed type of guy with shoes dating back to the previous decade. Amidst the hustle and bustle, I don’t have time to evaluate things properly. In fact, I don’t even want to crack the cover; I want to judge a book by its cover.
Hey look at this new CD on the rack. It tells me it includes the hit songs “Backwoods Cousins a’Shufflin’, Tustlin’ Terries, and the Irreparable Stain.” I know this is a good album because it has a cool cover and the sticker tells me the songs are hits. Good purchase! Sam Goody is a great place to find excellent new tuneskies.
Check out this USB cable! Best Buy is a good place to shop because it implies it has the “best buy”! Get it?! MARVELOUS. Anyway, it says here this USB cable is gold plated. It must be worth this awful inflated price. Gold! One day, a magazine ad told me gold was helpful in analog connections, so the same must be true for digital over a length of cord less than the length of my midget inseam. Gold! It’s useful for more than paying off Thai hookers and making TV-inspired investments.
Wow, I can really go for a flick. Let’s hit up Blockbuster. I think they said “no late fees” a while back. Haha! Check this out. "Black Knight.” Haha. That’s hella funny. Get it? Martin Lawrence is black and he’s the black knight. He has a backwards cap and dark negro-man shades along with what appear to be some expensive urban-targeted athletic shoes. His pant legs are rolled up too so you can tell he’s “ain’t strapped.” That’s exactly how my black friend dresses. Well … he’s in one of my classes at least.
And look here, critic Joel Seigel says “This is the funniest fucking movie I’ve ever seen in my entire fucking life.” Haha! I bet he’s a tough critic. If this movie is half as funny as Bringing Down the House, I’m there! Why are you picking that old movie up for? Who the hell is Jimmy Stewart? He’s wearing a suit, and it’s in black and white. How boring. BLACK KNIGHT BLACK KNIGHT BLACK KNIGHT!!! Hey, have you guys seen Hitch? Man, that looks funny. The fat white guy on there is trying to be all black! Haha. What a novel approach, BRO!
That’s all the shopping I can do for now. I gotta hop into my Dodge Stratus. It’s a JD Power and Associate’s Best in Initial Quality pick. Take that Toyota! Initial quality! Time to hit up that new Del Taco. I could practically eat the master tape to their commercials.