by Paul
May 5, 2006 10:26
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I spend a lot of time playing video games all alone in my house. Recently I started playing a new RPG, which stands for "Role Playing Game" for those of you who are too cool for school.
If you still have no idea what an RPG is, it's basically a game where you create a character who's way cooler than you are in real life. Then you go through an imaginary world, collecting make-believe items, casting make-believe magic, and talking to make-believe people. You know, things you could never do in real life because you're a fat nerd. Not me, you.
So with all the ridiculously gay undertones of RPGs aside, some of the games are legitimately fun to play; and that got me thinking. "Why are RPGs so gay?" I says to myself. When I think, I talk out-loud, but anyway: It's already bad enough that most of them revolve around fantasy worlds that feature elves, ghosts, wizards, and goblins; fairies and tampons; oh my!
Then the game designers usually take it a step further, and make all the shit you collect affect you in one way or another. Every sword, shirt, and piece of thong underwear has some sort of mystical quality that helps you level up, only not in a cool way like Super Mario. In Super Mario, if you eat a mushroom, you grow. Growing is cool. Picking up a feathered cap that gives you an increased +4 Charm attribute, is not cool. It never was, and it never will be.
I'm sorry, charm? I'm not playing a fucking video game so I can be charming. I can be charming in real life; well as far as you know I can be. I'm playing a video game to kill people dead, because I can't do that in real life. Also, quit using ye olde english era words to describe things. I don't want a Helmet of Virtue, nor a Didlo of Reckoning. I want a Battle Ax of Ass-Whoopage, and the Shoes of the LA Lakers Number 8.
The game I'm currently playing has a magic meter, only it's not called magic. It's called "Magicka". Wow. Gay. I can't talk about this with other dudes without starting to grow a vagina. It's a physical impossibility.
Super Paul: Dude I totally just got +2 Magicka of the labia.
Other Guy: Awesome! I just found the shield of heterosexuality!
Super Paul: No way!
See?
What they need to do is start with cooler sounding names for shit. Instead of magicka, let's call it the Spooks, or the Creeps. That way, instead of being a Level 1 Magicka homo, I can be Slight Creep. You know, like that one weird dude at the bar you always go to. Then, after I practice being a creep for a while, I can work my way up to Master Creep, which is called Michael Jackson. THAT would make RPGs way cooler.
As a supporting argument, as my fighting skills increase, I should move up in the Ass Kicking department through the ranks. Below is how the game works now:
Novice, Apprentice, Journeyman, Expert, Master.
Lame. Here's how it should be:
Quadriplegic, Baby Just Learning to Walk, Ultimate Fighting Championship, World Wrestling Entertainment, Chuck Norris.
If I was working my way toward Chuck Norris mastery, I'd be way more psyched talking about this game with total stranger who could possibly judge me and make me cry. I'm just saying, right? Do you even know what an apprentice is? Ok bad question. Did you even know what an apprentice was before Donald Trump started firing people on network television?
I rest my case. |
| I am currently listening to: Santana - Black Magic Woman |