by John
Oct 2, 2006 08:19
1. Idiotic "expert" sports analysis of the past ten years cannot go ten minutes without the phrase "give them credit."
Example:
Sideline Dipshit Reporter: So, the Ravens really kicked your ass, coach. And by that I mean my producers tell me they won. How did they best you out there on the football court, tossin' around the ol' sheepskin?
Brain-dead coach: Yeah, I mean, give the other team credit. They really kicked our ass good. Give them credit; I have to give credit where credit is due.
Sideline Dipshit Reporter: I really wanted to be a weatherman. Can you tell?
Brain-dead coach: Yeah, I mean, give them credit for hiring you ...
Give them credit; like you're a 5th grade teacher.
2. Fifty percent of all player interviews will involve the phrase "mentally and physically."
Example:
Sideline Dipshit Reporter: [now practicing his filthy reporting in the locker room] So, how did it feel to have you ass handed to you by the opposing team?
Overpriced Rhino: Well, I mean, you know, they just outplayed us [really?]. I mean, you know, mentally and physically, they outplayed us. Give them credit ...
Sideline Dipshit Reporter: So, how'd you feel coming back from an eight-month turf toe injury?
Overpriced Rhino: Well, you know I just felt that, you know, mentally and physically ... [pauses as he searches for another "ally" word] emotionally ... psychologically ... hypodermically ...
So you use your brains AND your muscles for sports? How novel! Go figure that you can't run a slant route or a triangle offense without both. And here I thought I could brain my way to an open jumper.
I think they're "regurgitatingally" doing the same interview over and over. Think of something new, guys. And thank you sideline reporters for applying the pressure. You're like Fox News in the Rose Garden ("Mr. President, what would you say is the BEST way you and the Republican Congress have kept America safe? Oh, and I'm going to have to limit your answer to 15 minutes of camera time here ...").
3. Men hate fashion except when it comes to the color and design choices for men in spandex and shoulder pads.
Seriously though, how ugly are the [insert any team uniform design following the Bronco's asymmetric horror of 1997]? While we're at it, bring back the Buffalo Bill's logo without the retarded buffalo side runner. It's like I'm climbing into an '85 Suburban every time I see it. And hey, just get it over with and make the uniforms black. That dark blue is a disgrace to blues.
Uniforms are going the way of car interiors. I expect the Niners' uniforms will be obsidian and shale-colored by the year 2020. There's a better chance of this happening then of them making the playoffs by 2010.
4. Joe Theismann's intellectual capacity has all the strength and integrity as his leg did with Lawrence Taylor and Harry Carson staring him down .
Oh snap! Ahh ... that was low. And satisfying.