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Grab a glass of water kids...

by Paul Mar 15, 2007 10:37

This one might take a while. The other day I ordered a package from the internets. Well, I guess I didn't order a package. The package came for free with the item I had ordered inside of the box, packing materials, and tape. That's not the point. The point is... the company I ordered from provided me with a tracking number.

Have you seen this? Have you heard of these things? The tracking numbers? (See that? I can be Jay Leno too. All you have to do is ask if people have seen whatever you're about to say afterward.)

Anyway... quick recap for those of you who are internet retarded (and yes I understand the irony of this blog existing on the internet). This is how it works:

a) You order the item.
2) You are assigned a tracking number by the chosen shipping carrier (UPS, FedEx, DHL, USPS, Camel, Bike Messenger)
d) You can go to the shipping carrier's website, input a unique (more on this later) tracking number, and BAM! They will show you where your package is on its journey. Track its progress. Have a car service meet it upon arrival. Plan a surprise party. The options are only limited by your imagination!

At least on paper. The USPS gives the numbers out but they don't even track packages. The USPS numbers are actually "Delivery confirmation numbers." Look, maybe if I'm a business that matters to me that I can prove that somebody got my package, but I'm the recipient in this case. I don't need a number to look up to prove my package was delivered and signed for. I SIGNED FOR IT. The confirmation that it was delivered IS THE PACKAGE.

UPS likes to reuse their tracking numbers. I've ordered a package through them, gone to the website and been informed that my package has been shipped and delivered... 2 months ago.

FedEx had a great one for me recently. I ordered on a Friday. The tracking number said it would be delivered Monday (Three days). Monday came and went with no package, and no updated progress at all (Four days?). Then Monday night it said they just picked up the package and it would be delivered on Thursday (Ah, ok.. six days, but technically still 3 since they just got the package right?). On Wednesday I check again to see if it's still on time, and guess what? It's on the truck for delivery! Awesome. An entire day early (Six days, minus one day is five days). Estimated delivery date on the tracking site: Thursday (Wait... so six days?). Despite it being on the truck as we speak. Nevermind the fact they told me when they could deliver a package they hadn't even picked up yet.

Wow.

I mean for crying out loud, it's no wonder they're constantly losing packages when they start tracking them and promising when they'll be delivered, before they ever get picked up in the first place.

You know... maybe I'm just nitpicking here, but it seems to me if the purpose of a tracking number is to gauge the progress of a package en route to me or you, and it's completely inaccurate, it's hardly tracking at all is it?

In this specific case these companies just don't want you calling them asking where your crap is. However I think this is indicative of a larger problem in our country. We're a nation of underachievers and we want credit for any progress whatsoever, no matter how menial that progress may be. Hell, we give out awards for "Most Improved". What we really mean is it's the "Sucked the Most at First, but not Anymore" award.
As of 12:08 PM PST, this blog entry is scheduled for delivery at 12:05 PM PST yesterday. I mean tomorrow. Oh wait we just delivered it to you. Check our website. Have a great day!

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