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The world would be a better place

by Paul Mar 3, 2005 08:58
without IPods. Christ almighty, I HATE IPods. Let me be more emphatic: I HATE IPods. Now before you get your hippie panties all in a bunch, I'll explain. IPods are not that cool. I'm not against digital media players in principle, but IPods are made by Apple, which makes them suck. Apple as you will recall, made a 1 button mouse. And I don't mean when mice first came out. I mean like 2 years ago, when my mouse already had 4 buttons. I digress. The IPod is super over rated (Apple prefers their own shitty protected format to MP3 files, which is clearly the digital media standard), and over priced (a comparably sized Creative Labs brand player is about $100 less than an IPod).

But everyone's all like "oh but the IPod is sooooo easy to use!" Look douche bag, it's a piece of plastic with a few buttons. They all work the same. So what if the play button isn't symmetrically mounted on the front fascia. For $100 savings, you can put the god damn play button on my friend's media player, and I'll walk over there to play my music. Also, white is a great color for a device that arguably gets used every day. I don't know about you, but I don't work in a hospital. Sometimes I get dirty. Grease marks look great on my $600 plastic mp3 player.

Oh and now the IPods display pictures as well. HOT DAMN! You mean I can stare at my music player while it's playing? Pictures you say? Well shit, can you TAKE pictures with it and then look at them? Oh... no. It just displays them. I don't know about you, but at least 403 times a day, I find myself thinking, "I really wish I could see a picture of my friend right about now." BAM! Whip out the IPod. Ahh. That's better. Are you kidding me? pictures on an mp3 player? What the hell are you really going to do with that? Kick off a slide-show montage of you, and all your lame ass friends with David Hasslehoff's finest German album playing in the background? Better yet, set it down on your end table, and you've got a $600 picture frame with the music of your choice in the background. Now that's money well spent buddy.

Even better, when you get mugged for that thing on the subway, the punk who takes it from you can say what's up to his punk partners on the corner they sling hash from, and hear his friend say "Where'd you get that IPod?" He'll be able to say "I could tell you, but hell, I'll just show you the sucker I stole it from, I've got tons of pictures!"

I am currently listening to: Nothing, because my ear is still bleeding from when my earbuds were ripped out of my ear while I got mugged looking at a picture of kittens in a bed of flowers on my IPod.
"Hey, look how fat this guy's girlfriend is. He probably listens to Wilson Phillips while wacking it to her her picture... Hash...Hash... got your Hash here."

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