Awwww snaps. This is the video you've all been waiting for.

Thanks to the efforts of the following:

John
Paul
Deshaun Williams (chiggidy check him out at http://iamsoaddicted.com)

Despite my (Paul) extreme aversion to using the words "my" and "space" in succession without a space between them... we have setup a MySpace Page so you can all be BFF with us! Login to your MySpace and do whatever it is that it takes to like... you know... buddy up. Awesome (probably)! So without any further wasted time, peep it suckas!

Everyone is outraged over a recent news story of a young human who scaled school building donned in a gorilla mask. Rather than chicanery or mayhem ensuing, simple humans called law enforcement. Apes and humans are up in arms of varying length over actions taken. Yet, Intellectual Ape is acutely aware of post-Columbine, post-9-11 security situation and agrees steps should have been taken to destroy wayward human.

Some humans think otherwise. They whine with inferior vocal chords and decry the response by school administration as a pitiable knee-jerk reaction to simple prank. Orwellian state they claim. Let Intellectual Ape construct this would-be human scenario had police not been called. Intellectual Ape will use information about human high school gleaned from television set in jungle hut.

Scenario:

Human male dons gorilla mask to pay reverence to majestic creatures and get out of Algebra. Human male climbs school building seen by everyone at school and patrons at the Maxx. Mr. Belding is outraged and sentences human male to two weeks detention. Jessie and Slater still on the rocks. End of story.

Sure, it sounds good. But the reality is different. Puny humans simply could not know who or what was on the roof. The image of gorilla is terrifying and paralyzing. Here is a more realistic scenario:

Thing in gorilla mask is apprehended on roof and brought down to quad area at end of half-hour segment. Blonde male student de-masks gorilla creature to reveal human head. Other humans are relieved. Human-headed captive curses captors. Other humans let down their guard. Captive tears off human head mask to reveal true self: a gorilla with an even smaller head than previously imagined. Jaw of smaller-headed gorilla is able to go straight for the human jugular whereas normal-headed gorilla jaw would have met interference with human skull and clavicle. Smaller-headed gorilla proceeds to de-jug surrounding humans.

If you believed that last point, Intellectual Ape has fooled you. It is quite clear you spend too much time reading National Geographic articles on naked tribesmen and not enough time on articles covering gorillas. Gorillas don't bite sideways. Silly. Still, a smaller-headed gorilla bite would inflict serious damage. Injured white teen girls would require plastic surgery well before 18th birthday surgical celebration planned by equally insecure human mother.

The preceding scenario demonstrates the deceptive and menacing power of the gorilla and gorilla guises. Intellectual Ape once donned full gorilla costume for jungle Halloween party. Partygoers were stunned when Intellectual Ape removed mask. Effect was hilarious. Intellectual Ape digresses.

Humans could prevent future occurrences through proper gorilla safety measures: markings with excrement, thorough chest thumping, and throwing clumps of dirt. Should a creature with gorilla appearance scale another building, humans should resist the urge to man aircrafts and circle wildly. Rather, deal with gorilla forcibly for control of clan.

- IAAs an ape, Intellectual Ape feels the duty to comment on all things primate. While Intellectual Ape is more intellectual than normal apes, Intellectual Ape still struggles with concept of 'self' and thus refers to Intellectual Ape in third person.

Perhaps Intellectual Ape's simpler view of the world will add needed clarity to situations.

- IA