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by Paul
Mar 9, 2005 09:00
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but for the life of me I can't go anywhere without having my ear talked off with idle chit chat. What's wrong with society where we can't sit in silence and be happy with ourselves. I mean don't get me wrong, you can smile and nod. There's no need to be an ass. Just don't feel that because you and I are the only people in the room, or you're providing me with a service, like shining my shoes, that we need to converse.
It happens at the most ridiculous times too. I was at the dentist today, and the hygenist is talking to me. And not just talking, asking me questions. I'm having my TEETH CLEANED! I can't talk. Your hand is in my mouth. What the hell? Let's try to keep the tasks logically isolated ok? I mean you don't go to the gynecologist and then try to have sex during the procedure do you? I thought not. Well maybe if you like your doctor. Wait, that came out wrong. Wait so did saying "that came out wrong." Forget it.
Today's mood is: Peppermint. |
| Yeah, that's what she said. |
by Paul
Mar 6, 2005 08:59
is Kurt Russel's mustache when he played Wyatt Earp in the movie Tombstone. That is the mustache of all mustaches. Sure you've got more creative 'staches out there available to you. Paul Sr. from Orange County Choppers comes to mind. That's all well and good for a variety pack, but if you had to pick one, Kurt Russel gets the nod. The volume of it is downright impressive. Some men have less hair on their entire heads. Kurt Russel's mustache makes Ned Flanders look like he just hit puberty.
I am currently listening to: A tree falling in the woods.I was told this is what's really important in life.
by Paul
Mar 3, 2005 08:58
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without IPods. Christ almighty, I HATE IPods. Let me be more emphatic: I HATE IPods. Now before you get your hippie panties all in a bunch, I'll explain. IPods are not that cool. I'm not against digital media players in principle, but IPods are made by Apple, which makes them suck. Apple as you will recall, made a 1 button mouse. And I don't mean when mice first came out. I mean like 2 years ago, when my mouse already had 4 buttons. I digress. The IPod is super over rated (Apple prefers their own shitty protected format to MP3 files, which is clearly the digital media standard), and over priced (a comparably sized Creative Labs brand player is about $100 less than an IPod).
But everyone's all like "oh but the IPod is sooooo easy to use!" Look douche bag, it's a piece of plastic with a few buttons. They all work the same. So what if the play button isn't symmetrically mounted on the front fascia. For $100 savings, you can put the god damn play button on my friend's media player, and I'll walk over there to play my music. Also, white is a great color for a device that arguably gets used every day. I don't know about you, but I don't work in a hospital. Sometimes I get dirty. Grease marks look great on my $600 plastic mp3 player.
Oh and now the IPods display pictures as well. HOT DAMN! You mean I can stare at my music player while it's playing? Pictures you say? Well shit, can you TAKE pictures with it and then look at them? Oh... no. It just displays them. I don't know about you, but at least 403 times a day, I find myself thinking, "I really wish I could see a picture of my friend right about now." BAM! Whip out the IPod. Ahh. That's better. Are you kidding me? pictures on an mp3 player? What the hell are you really going to do with that? Kick off a slide-show montage of you, and all your lame ass friends with David Hasslehoff's finest German album playing in the background? Better yet, set it down on your end table, and you've got a $600 picture frame with the music of your choice in the background. Now that's money well spent buddy.
Even better, when you get mugged for that thing on the subway, the punk who takes it from you can say what's up to his punk partners on the corner they sling hash from, and hear his friend say "Where'd you get that IPod?" He'll be able to say "I could tell you, but hell, I'll just show you the sucker I stole it from, I've got tons of pictures!"
I am currently listening to: Nothing, because my ear is still bleeding from when my earbuds were ripped out of my ear while I got mugged looking at a picture of kittens in a bed of flowers on my IPod. |
| "Hey, look how fat this guy's girlfriend is. He probably listens to Wilson Phillips while wacking it to her her picture... Hash...Hash... got your Hash here." |
by Paul
Feb 23, 2005 08:57
when you go outside and look up at the sky, and marvel at how beautiful our world is? Maybe. But the fact remains if you do this on a regular basis, you're some sort of hippy-pussy hybrid, and you obviously don't have enough to do. I work 7 days a week. I don't stand around staring at the sky unless a bird took a crap on my car. You make me sick.
Todays special is: Steamed green-leaf vegetables, soaked in meat sauce.Get a goddamn job.
by Paul
Feb 22, 2005 08:55
so it should be pretty obvious by now that John and I are both total fat-asses. I really want to do something about it, but it's genetic. I have a glandular problem. Also I have no self esteem. I can't help it. Leave me alone because I can't lose weight. Alright, I'll do it! With that hurdle cleared, I started my diet with orange juice and string cheese. I noticed a couple things. First, string cheese has to be the stupidest food on the face of the earth. Cheese does not come pre-strung, so somewhere Malaysian children are slaving away to string this cheese. Maybe in Malaysia, I just don't know.
Anyway, who eats string cheese by peeling off strings of it at a time? Does it strike anyone else as weird that a piece of food that small requires 2 hands to eat? I mean christ, who's stopping you from taking a bite out of the whole thing? I'll tell you who... wait, no I won't. I just don't know. With that being said, I suggest you get some string cheese, and eat it in a mirror. Pay attention to how ridiculous a human adult looks, consuming a piece of cheese by peeling down strings of it off a larger cylinder of cheese. I guarantee after watching yourself eat cheese on a string by string basis, you will agree with me.
Moving on. I then shook my individually sized container of orange juice, wherein I noted that I was doing this weird wrist-action, twisty shake job on it. Who shakes containers of liquid like this? Is the permeation of male masturbation imagery in our society so perverse that we cannot shake containers in a jerk-off motion? There's nothing to be ashamed of. Even Intellectual Ape has to rub one out once in a while. Clearly this method of shaking is more effective. At this juncture, I set out to establish a new and cool shaking method. I decided to use the maraca rattle method. If you've ever seen any good fat maraca guys, they have this little rhythmic wrist flick, WHILE they're doing the whole, up-and-down arm motion. Not only is it a super effective shake method, but it makes orange juice "fun". We all need fun food. If you've stopped peeling string cheese like I have, all that creative food consumption has to go somewhere.
Before I forget,
I'm currently losing weight by: thinking thin.
I am listening to: a Linkin Park song; because I think upper class white kids singing to me about how rough life is, is extremely poignant and meaningful.I've tried so hard, and come so far; in the end, it doesn't even matter because nobody was taking my position seriously to begin with. Hey, live and learn.
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