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by Paul
Mar 9, 2005 09:00
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but for the life of me I can't go anywhere without having my ear talked off with idle chit chat. What's wrong with society where we can't sit in silence and be happy with ourselves. I mean don't get me wrong, you can smile and nod. There's no need to be an ass. Just don't feel that because you and I are the only people in the room, or you're providing me with a service, like shining my shoes, that we need to converse.
It happens at the most ridiculous times too. I was at the dentist today, and the hygenist is talking to me. And not just talking, asking me questions. I'm having my TEETH CLEANED! I can't talk. Your hand is in my mouth. What the hell? Let's try to keep the tasks logically isolated ok? I mean you don't go to the gynecologist and then try to have sex during the procedure do you? I thought not. Well maybe if you like your doctor. Wait, that came out wrong. Wait so did saying "that came out wrong." Forget it.
Today's mood is: Peppermint. |
| Yeah, that's what she said. |
by Paul
Mar 3, 2005 08:58
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without IPods. Christ almighty, I HATE IPods. Let me be more emphatic: I HATE IPods. Now before you get your hippie panties all in a bunch, I'll explain. IPods are not that cool. I'm not against digital media players in principle, but IPods are made by Apple, which makes them suck. Apple as you will recall, made a 1 button mouse. And I don't mean when mice first came out. I mean like 2 years ago, when my mouse already had 4 buttons. I digress. The IPod is super over rated (Apple prefers their own shitty protected format to MP3 files, which is clearly the digital media standard), and over priced (a comparably sized Creative Labs brand player is about $100 less than an IPod).
But everyone's all like "oh but the IPod is sooooo easy to use!" Look douche bag, it's a piece of plastic with a few buttons. They all work the same. So what if the play button isn't symmetrically mounted on the front fascia. For $100 savings, you can put the god damn play button on my friend's media player, and I'll walk over there to play my music. Also, white is a great color for a device that arguably gets used every day. I don't know about you, but I don't work in a hospital. Sometimes I get dirty. Grease marks look great on my $600 plastic mp3 player.
Oh and now the IPods display pictures as well. HOT DAMN! You mean I can stare at my music player while it's playing? Pictures you say? Well shit, can you TAKE pictures with it and then look at them? Oh... no. It just displays them. I don't know about you, but at least 403 times a day, I find myself thinking, "I really wish I could see a picture of my friend right about now." BAM! Whip out the IPod. Ahh. That's better. Are you kidding me? pictures on an mp3 player? What the hell are you really going to do with that? Kick off a slide-show montage of you, and all your lame ass friends with David Hasslehoff's finest German album playing in the background? Better yet, set it down on your end table, and you've got a $600 picture frame with the music of your choice in the background. Now that's money well spent buddy.
Even better, when you get mugged for that thing on the subway, the punk who takes it from you can say what's up to his punk partners on the corner they sling hash from, and hear his friend say "Where'd you get that IPod?" He'll be able to say "I could tell you, but hell, I'll just show you the sucker I stole it from, I've got tons of pictures!"
I am currently listening to: Nothing, because my ear is still bleeding from when my earbuds were ripped out of my ear while I got mugged looking at a picture of kittens in a bed of flowers on my IPod. |
| "Hey, look how fat this guy's girlfriend is. He probably listens to Wilson Phillips while wacking it to her her picture... Hash...Hash... got your Hash here." |
by John
Feb 28, 2005 03:29
Rob Reiner is in the news for reasons other than his days as Meathead. I have nicknamed him Egghead. Yet, there is a disconnect in the two nicknames. You see, Meathead was a reflection of his character on "All in the Family." Meathead was a few sandwiches short of a Turner Family Picnic. To be certain, his head wasn't shaped like a slab of cow or a pork chop. When I label him Egghead, don't put him in the same category as Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, or Cher. I mean to say his head has morphed into the shape of an enclosed chicken fetus. Yes, this man has the perfect egg-shaped head. Let me explain how I arrived at this conclusion.
I was walking out of work recently to catch the bus. (As the Onion notes, public transportation is for poor people.) I cross the street and make a snide remark about a dark Crown Vic parked in the middle of a crosswalk. (Stars don't need our laws. Besides, pavement is only good if they can imprint their grease paws in it.) Then, about fifteen paces out, a giant egg floats by attached to a slightly bloated blue suit. Sweet Moses, that egg and suit is Marty fucking DiBergi!
Quick John, think of something. "Hey, this sidewalk goes to eleven!" or "Those were the days, am I right, Bobby?" No, these would have been marginally clever.
Instead ...
"Wow, his head really looked like an egg."
Stunning. I guess I was beside myself. It wasn't the first time. One day, while taking poor man's transit, I glanced out the window to catch an eyeful of Jeff Van Gundy. Yes, the Jeff Van Gundy. A man who constantly looks like someone just handed him divorce papers. Or, after a hard day of work, his dog doodied on the carpet before his eyes.
"Hey, that's Jeff Van Gundy!" I said. Yes, really. With excitement. Brilliant! Anyone within earshot was confused and taken aback. It was like yelling "Hey, that's Ernest Borgnine!" to a class of 3rd graders.
Why would Ernest be around an elementary school anyway? Maybe to drop off a great granddaughter. Or perhaps his relatives were parading his corpse through town. Or maybe, just maybe, he had a Code Brown in his trousers and needed the nearest washroom.
That's my take on an egg, a divorcee, and Ernie. Hey, everyone; shit sandwiches on Rob!
by John
Feb 28, 2005 00:00
... because it's so crazee.
by Paul
Feb 23, 2005 08:57
when you go outside and look up at the sky, and marvel at how beautiful our world is? Maybe. But the fact remains if you do this on a regular basis, you're some sort of hippy-pussy hybrid, and you obviously don't have enough to do. I work 7 days a week. I don't stand around staring at the sky unless a bird took a crap on my car. You make me sick.
Todays special is: Steamed green-leaf vegetables, soaked in meat sauce.Get a goddamn job.
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