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by Paul
Jul 25, 2005 10:28
When the world was slightly less fucked up, but we thought it was horrible? Like if you turned on the radio in the 80's, you thought "Wow, this is as bad as it can ever get." Obviously you would be wrong, because now we have 2000's rap. Ok maybe the 80's is still the absolute worst music but you get my point.
As a barometer (Look it up illiterates) of how terrible things are, I look at jokes. More specifically capping on people (Yes I said "capping").
When I was in Junior High, it was all about "Yo' Mama" jokes and so forth. These days, real life is the joke. I don't even have to dig deep down for humorous double entendres and innuendo. If I want to clown you today, I can just pick an issue you have to deal with every day and clown you about that.
"Yo! Bob drives an SUV and that fool has to pay $85 to fill up his gas tank!!!"
OOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!! FACIAL La Fleur. TOTAL FACIAL.
"Hey... Check out Bill. Bill's hella dumb. Bill bought a two bedroom house for damn near half a million bucks, and then the market went stagnant and he can't refinance against his equity!!!"
HAHAHAHAHA. Oh shit Bill! He got you good you fucker.
"That joke was so funny I forgot to vote!!!"
Oh shit! 8!.. 9!.. 10!.. This one's a knockout ladies and gentlemen! It's all over.
But seriously. Wow. Am I right? Wow.
by Paul
Jul 25, 2005 10:01
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Yes I can read. Asshole. Anyway, some tee ball coach in Pennsylvania paid one of his players to nail another retarded player in the head with a ball. A ball that I assume was a tee ball. I assume this, because he is a tee ball coach. I used deductive reasoning. However, that's not the point. The point is the rules state all the kids have to play at least three innings or some mess like that. So the coach thought, if the retard kid is on the injured reserve, he can't play, and my team will have a better chance of winning.
Brilliant! Except, I've seen tee ball games before. One team scores a million points while the other team's outfield is chasing butterflies around and throwing piles of dirt at each other. Then after one fat kid tries to swing and misses five times in a row, the coaches go "ALRIGHT! That's it everyone, it's a TIE!" All the kids cheer, and somebody's mom hands out Capri Suns. That's what the kids are there for anyway, the Capri Suns.
Meanwhile somebody's dad is taking a walk to "cool off" because he can't believe his seven year old daughter only made it to second base on that grounder she hit. Let's ignore the fact that he's 5'8", weighs a cool 240 pounds, and can't run outside fast enough to catch the ice cream truck, let alone his own seven year old daughter.
If you're that guy, shut the fuck up. Get on a treadmill while you're at it you fat sack of shit. Oh, and stop bringing Capri Suns for the kids when it's your day to cater the after-game snack. Everyone knows those things are full of sugar. It's bad enough you're a fat ass, but now all the high class white parents are going to know you're a bad parent because you brought sugar drinks instead of some nutritious orange juice. Then you distributed the liquid in styrofoam cups. The nerve. The unmitigated gall. First you yell at your daughter, who can run faster than you. Then you serve sugar drinks. Now you're depleting the ozone layer. Way to go dad. Hey, quick! Jump in your huge ass Ford Excursion and maybe run over a few trees on the way home, and a minority orphan. That should close the loop of destruction.
Dick. |
| Hey incidentally, what happened to the days when if you didn't play, it meant you sucked. Not that you got hit in the head with a baseball because the coach paid another player. You know coach, you're just leading him on. Tell him he sucks now so he can cry and get over it, and maybe try a different sport. |
by Paul
Jun 30, 2005 09:58
I say that because they carry around Nextel phones. I thought Nextels were for fat guys in hard hats, who have half their ass hanging out of their pants. Why else would you need a phone that heavy, and shaped like a brick right? You want it to tug your trousers down a hair.
I understand these Nextels function as phones too. What a novel concept. It flips open and everything most of the time. But why use a nice phone when you can use it as an obnoxious walkie talkie to put all your business in the street?
Oh and by the way, walkie talkies? What are you an Army Ranger? I had walkie talkies when i was 8 years old.
Despite the fact that I would think people who HAVE Nextels would understand the repercussions of how they workd, the reality seems quite the opposite. Nextel users will boop boop (which is what the walkie talkie feature is called) their most private information for everyone standing around the recipent to hear.
Roger: BOOP! Dan where are you?
Dan: BOOP! I just got robbed. I'm butt naked on 3rd street!
Roger: BOOP! Say that again Dan, I have a nextel and I didn't get what you said.
Dan: BOOP! What Roger? I couldn't hear you, I have a nextel!
Roger: BOOP! What?!
Dan: BOOP! I said, get in your BOOP! car and come BOOP! get me! Bring a BOOP! trousers too!
Roger: BOOP! Why? What's wrong?
Dan: BOOP! I'm assed out on 3rd Street!
Roger: BOOP! HOLY SHIT DAN! Well, just to be safe give me your social security number so I can come get you!
Dan: BOOP! Ok Roger, it's 555-123-1234 for you and the other 100 people standing around you in church who can hear this conversation on your extra stupid ridiculously loud Nextel speaker phone!
Oh but it doesn't stop there. Nextels also have something called an Alert, which basically sends their phone a beep, and it beeps at them repeatedly, so they know you booped them. Then they boop you back when they're available to boop back and forth. Are you kidding me? How about leaving a fucking voice mail. $75 a month so you can speak to your friends in morse mother fucking code? Shit, sign me up!
Today's mood was supposed to be reported to me from the field, but the call was dropped. |
| Oh yeah, and with all those great features, Nextel still provides the worst coverage I've ever witnessed. |
by Paul
Jun 13, 2005 09:58
Just Beat it! HAHAHA. Oh snaps. Good one me. No, but seriously, I, myself, personally am a big Michael Jackson fan. Given that his trial was decided today, I figured I'd do like everyone else in the world and write about it. However, I'm not here to talk about the trial as much as the coverage.
I'm sitting at work watching Wolf Blitzer on CNN. First they announce when the verdict will be read. Yeah right, I saw the Scott Peterson case too, and they were like an hour off on that verdict. Anyway, I digress. Wolf Blitzer is arguably one of the most recognizable personalities in news, yet he apparently has no fucking clue how trials are conducted. He, and his crack field team spent upwards of 45 minutes leading up to the verdict showing me footage of MJ moonwalking the 15 miles from his Neverland Ranch to the court house. Yes that's right, Michael Joe Jackson, moonwalked 15 miles, and set a world record. Then he got off scott free! What did you accomplish today?
So then, Wolf and his dudes, henceforth referred to as CFT for crack field team, start talking about not the verdict, but how the verdict will work. Wolf Blitzer, CNN superstar actually said the following:
Wolf Blitzer: So, CFT member... will the jury enter the courtroom and then read the verdict?
Gee Wolf, I really have no fucking clue. Does the jury decide the verdict and then read it? No that can't possibly be right. Is that how the judicial system works? Really, I have no idea! Is that normal?
Wolf Blitzer: Now...basically what happens is you have the trial. Where one guys says he's guilty, and the other guy says he's not, correct?
CFT Sack O'Crap: That's right Wolf. This is what's known as a "Trial." Basically, the two sides use "words" to "convince" the "judger people" that they are right. Then those "judger people" go into a little room, and I think get upset and throw staplers and free catered bagels at each other. They then...
Wolf Blitzer: Hold on CFT memeber! MJ's Cadillac and two Suburbans are pulling up. MJ could start dancing on hoods at any moment.
The Escalade, the more expensive of the 3 vehicles pulls up first and out comes... SIKE! In your face potential assassins. MJ is in the nondescript second vehicle.
Wolf Blitzer: I'm sorry CFT member, I was just wasting some more time. You were saying?
CFT Sack O'Crap: No problem Wolf, you may have noticed I have no idea what I'm talking about. But anyway as you were saying, YES, after the "judger people"...uh..."judge" whether he's guilty or not, they then come out, as you described, and "tell" us what they thought.
Wolf Blitzer: Fascinating stuff CFT member. We're going to go now to a shot of 400 people who have nothing better to do on a WORK DAY but stand in front of a court house.
Needless to say, they spent the next 15 minutes talking about whether or not the jury would file in single file, or two-by-two, paired off by gender, in order from tallest to shortest and in the event of a tie, sorted by last name, first name, alphabetical order starting with J (for justice). Wolf then made the point that he would have liked it if there were cameras in the courtroom. Wait. Really? Let me see if I understand. You're a news anchor, on TV, who's entire existence is based on the video feeds from cameras, and you actually WANT a camera in the courtroom to cover the story you're currently reporting on? Wow. I'm stunned. I never would have guessed that'd be your stance Wolf. No seriously, not in a million years. Well maybe in a million years. But certainly not in two million years. In two million years, I'd start to second guess myself.
Fast forward.
The jury foreman starts reading the verdicts "On the count of the lewd act of getting down on the hood of an SUV...not guilty"
Stupid Loser-no-job-having Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!
The crowd goes fucking bananas. Go ahead and say "B-A-N-A-N-A-S." Idiot. Then the jury reads the second charge.
Oh shit there's more? Yes. The crowd apparently was reading the same book as Wolf Blitzer about how the judicial process works.
That's right moron-crowd-outside there are ten charges, not one. So shut your fucking cake-holes. In either case he was found guilty on none of the charges so it's a moot point I guess, but they're all stupid nonetheless.
Following this result, every legal analyst in the world tells us that the prosecution picked the wrong family to charge Michael "Jam On!" Jackson. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you could pick who pressed charges against people these days. Well that's no good. They found him not guilty! Let's get somebody who's more credible to say he touched them. How about an altar boy?
In any case, MJ's not guilty according to the justice system, so quit hating and get off his nuts. Even if he doesn't want you to. Ah-Heee Heee! Yeah I went there.JAM ON! There's nothing illegal about being a weirdo, anyway.
by John
Jun 1, 2005 08:11
Women see really inane things as symbolic milestones in a relationship.
“Oh, this is a picture from our five-year anniversary!”
“Oh, this is first time he touched my cheek. I traced his hand with a runny marker and then face-planted onto a piece of white paper to create a stamp.”
“Oh, this is my wedding ring.”
Whatever. Hogwash, nonsense, and balderdash. Let’s talk about a real milestone. The moment when I can turn to you and say, “Hey, can you take a look at this thing on my back?”
Yes, I will allow you to peer at my shirtless back. Not for wont or pleasure, but for a medical purpose. Yes, my back, which one day will be covered in a fine Mediterranean coat, is ready for your diagnosis. Feel free to put on your spectacles for a more detailed inspection.
And thanks; I do work out.
Take a good look at my skin aberration – be it pimple, boil, or imbedded tick – and enjoy the surrounding skin area. This is a momentous occasion. One day, what you see will be doughy, bespeckled, and obscured by fleece. So drink in the exotic scenery and treasure this milestone.
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