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by John
May 27, 2005 07:53
ReaL THuGz! I love the internet!!!The following is a 100% true and accurate account of a ReaL THuG on the streets of [your suburbia]. I apologize for the profanity. It’s merely a reflection of the tru street lyfe theez hardcore dudes live.
Enjoy.
Yeeeeaah. Yeeeeaah.
I’m a thug! Thizzz face, thizzz face.
You know you breezies want it. Damn I look good in FUBU. For Us By who? Whatever. For Us By thUgz. That’s me. Check out my fancy thug hat. I bought it at Hat Xchange at the Galleria. The homeless need to quit bitin’ my style. I’ll kill a homeless. Somebody test me! Fuckin’ wino muthafuckas.
Damn, pink looks good on real thugz.
Yeeeeaah. Take my picture with my brand new HP digital camera. I paid less than retail. I had a gift card. What?! Thug! Reggie, Ernie. Oh, shit, I mean E-tabz and Reg-eezyniggaluv. Get up in this biatch! Hey, we don’t spend too much time together, right? Do you guys have dates yet for the dance? Damn, me either.
Yeeeeaah. Watch this; I’m gonna flip off the camera. HAHA. Damn I’m funny. Ain’t no one thought of that. Hey, unknown viewer of this picture, FUCK … uh … FUCK SOMETHING!
Hold on Chelsea; don’t take our thug picture yet. My flip phone is ringing.
Wassup slut! Oh … damn Mom, why you gotta be hatin’. No, I’m not done with the Accord yet. Damn, I don’t care if I’m over the minutes on our family plan. I’m a thug! I know; don’t block in Dad’s Prius. Hey, did you get my prescriptions for me? Cool. Thanks. Latez! Biaaatch! HAHA. Now everyone knows I called my mom a biatch at the end there.
Ok Chelsea. We ready. Wait, check thizz out. I’ma throw up a hand sign for my thug family name. Vandercleet, bitches! Yeeeahh. Rememba the name!
Damn, where’s my Medic Alert bracelet? That shit ain’t listed on my HMO card.
Shit, why these dudes tryin’ to roll up on Vandercleet. Shit, I’m bout to throw down once I can get my arms free from this 3X Phat Farm sweater. What?! What, nigga?! I represent myself that’s who. Fuck ya’ll fake ass gangstas. Where did I put that pepper spray Dad gave me? You’re gonna be fucked and peppered up!
What?! What? Oh ... oh damn. Ouch! Hey, Reggie, help me out, man! Why are you getting back into your Xterra?! Oh shit, my teeth! Will my full dental coverage be able to save me? Where are the cops?! We need law enforcement! Oh damn! Ouch! I think I broke a rib falling down. Oh! Oh damn! Nah ... my wallet … That’s a Coach original! I have emergency numbers in there!
Why can’t I defend myself? [Ed. note: because you’re a total pussy.] Can you ghetto peeps stop whoopin’ the shit outta me? Oh shit, I think I see a gun. A REAL GUN! I carry the one I stole from my Dad with no bullets cuz that shit is dangerous. Why are these guys so reckless?
Oh … someone just kicked me in my perineum. Really hard. Twice. I want to go home and to the bathroom. I just did the latter. Both kinds. Good thing there’s so much space in these pants Mom bought me. I think I’m blacking out. [Ed. note: finally, your dream is realized!]
I’m going into a euphoric state. Damn, I just wish I was playing Peanut League Baseball with the Teddy and Bret and the whole gang. Oh … my Dunks … Aunt Samantha gave me those.
I think my nose is broken. My nose! Someone help! I need a towel and an ambulance. My suburban tears provide me no comfort.
Now let’s take a look at some “ReaL THuGz" who fit this description. Prepare for a shockfest of violence and antisocial behavior! I’d like to thank everyone who took the step of tilting their chin up all thug-like. It will make it easier for me to coldcock you in your homegrown face.
Without further adieu ...
ReaL THuGz !
Oh snap!
Loving friends!
Living feminine products
Happily shared a hotel room
Word!
MLK rolls over in grave
Thanks, douchebags!
by Paul
May 24, 2005 09:56
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because I realized I don't really care about anybody except myself. Let me tell you, me, myself, personally; I care about doing whatever I want, because I'm an independent woman thanks to Beyoncé's encouragement.
I'm getting sidetracked.
Today I spent a few hours thinking up the most redudant name possible. That name is as follows:
Heathcliff Clifford Ford
There it is. Don't worry, I didn't waste my time. I was at work, so it's all good. |
| The thought just occured to me that some of you might not get the joke. Well, you're stupid. That's ok. If I have to live with you being stupid, I'll be damned if you don't suffer with me. |
by Paul
May 18, 2005 09:55
The following people are not attractive:
Britney Spears
Lindsay Lohan
Paris Hilton
Nicole Richie (her sister according to some people.)
Ashlee Simpson (the spelling of her name is ugly too.)
There I said it. Can everyone please stand up, and remove themselves from the preceding lists' nuts.
I don't give a crap how many pictures you've seen. Oh and don't bother with "Yeah but you have to admit ____ was looking FINE that time when _____!" You know what? I probably didn't see it, but no. No she wasn't looking fine.Thank you.
by Paul
May 16, 2005 09:54
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It happens to the Paul of us. I mean, to the best of us. My bad, I always get those two words mixed up. What I needed, was some laughter. Unfortunately, since I'm busy entertaining all of your sorry asses, I barely have any time to entertain myself.
I needed to rectify this situation, post haste. So I get to thinking about what's ALWAYS funny. I don't mean funny like "I'm Rick James Bitch", after you've heard it for the 150th time...today... I mean funny no matter how many times you're party to it. What I needed was clear:
I needed to see somebody fall down.
That's right folks, since the dawn of time, no matter how our specie advances technologically, biologically, and philosophically; watching somebody scrub really good, NEVER gets old.
In fact it's one of the few occurances in life where it just gets infinitely funnier the more you think about it. Furthermore, talking about it second hand, is sometimes even funnier than actually witnessing the victim bite it live, in person. If you can find a good story teller like uh, like maybe Paul Sobel, then you're in for a real treat.
I remember one time in junior high school (the J is pronounced like an H because Yo hablo Espanol) my friend B was trying to jump over a row of desks we had set up. We both cleared 4 desks pretty easily. On the 5th desk however, he started his hurdle, churning his arms and shit like he was Carl fucking Lewis, only he caught his toe on the end of the 5th desk. This wasn't a regular scrub folks. This was a SAVAGE nose dive. I laughed so hard all through lunch that I was late to my next period.
Or remember that one time at Pitt High when that chick bit it down like... all 45 steps of the Creative Arts building? Can I get an Amen?
Just FYI for the 2k5 for the non-925-ers, the Creative Arts building was our High School auditorium that was built pre-WW2 (yes the war) so it's actually a bomb shelter. Those stairs that young lady fell down were pristine brick. Brick red. So red, you couldn't see her blood. Awe... yeah, that's just mean. Just in case you're wondering, yes I laughed, yes it was great, and yes I'm laughing right now.
At a later time, somebody told me if you laugh at people who fall down, then you will fall down. Yeah, and? That's funny stuff. I've fallen off of pretty much every structure, and out of, or off of, every vehicle you can imagine. Yes, it's funny every time. The possible exception might be the stitches I got in my face in Mexico, but mostly because I lied earlier when I said I hablo Espanol. I have to come clean people, I can barely speak English. I dictate my blog to a Native American via smoke signals, then Sitting Onherlaurels translates it for me.
Today I am feeling: My left hand with my right hand, because I have my hands folded. |
| The question isn't if a tree fell in the forest, would you hear it. The question is, would you laugh. If you answered no, then you're unamerican. That's right, I said it. I'm sorry... I thought this was America!?! |
by Paul
May 10, 2005 09:53
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but that doesn't mean you have to cast common sense to the wind. I don't give a crap how sick and twisted that Charles Graner dude from the prison scandal is. I don't care how long he was in the hot Iraqi desert. The fact is that broad Lynndie R. England, is as ugly as steaming desert ass.
I don't want to insult any of our hard working military, but guys; seriously, you can do better than that. She looks like she had a regular head at one time, and then a bomb went off inside her face. Maybe a suicide bomb, I don't know. Maybe they were stuck in the desert on patrol, and she was going to eat a big ass beetle, and he saw that mug open wide to put him in her mouth, and he was like "Fuck that! I'm going to fuck this bitch up!"
Really I think the ugliness is why the inmates are mad. If she was hot, they wouldn't give a crap. I mean, Christ, there are weirdo's who actually go out of their way to find women to tie them up and shit. Leather and whips and what not. Still, I don't think any of the dominatrix broads are that broken. That's a special kind of ugly.
Today's flavor is: The sour taste her picture leaves in your mouth. |
| Oh yeah, and her name is spelled stupid too. Lyn-n-n-n-die? It sounds like her mom was stuttering while the nurse wrote the name down. Maybe she stuttered because she was stunned by how brutally ugly her kid was. |
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