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The reason you haven't heard from me latey...

by Paul Oct 19, 2009 10:55
Is because I've been spending my days in a shack in Montana, trying to figure out how to say this. I've been there for practically a year, and I still can't come up with a nice way to break it to everyone... so I'll just blurt it right out.

Fuck Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

There I said it. Every weekend it's all over the NFL. The players are wearing pink gloves, pink cleats, pink jock straps (I heard). Mike Ditka is reading off of pink note cards. It's pink-diculous.

Do you know WHY I think it's ridiculous? Fine I'll tell you. Breast Cancer Awareness Month is bullshit because Breast Cancer doesn't take the other eleven months off people. First of all, Breast Cancer shouldn't be "celebrated." Secondly... I'm aware of Breast Cancer every goddamn month of the year. So, suck on that!

Secondly... didn't your teacher ever say "I hope you brought enough for everyone!" when you were caught chewing gum in class that one time? If Breast Cancer gets an awareness month, how come Ball Cancer Awareness Month doesn't follow it? That's right... this is cancer descrimination. It's cancist.

Jesus Christ, Lung Cancer has to kill more people than all the other cancers combined (I'm pretty sure based on zero research), and you don't see Lung Cancer with a month.

So to everyone out there "celebrating" Breast Cancer Awareness Month, you make me sick. I could use a little support when I'm "celebrating" it for the other eleven months out of the year.
You uncaring pigs.

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Even though I'm a short white dude...

by Paul Feb 4, 2009 10:55

I can tear some serious ass. Believe me. In fact to prove it, I'll tell you how I know. Incidentally, I realize some of you are totally shocked to learn I'm a short white dude, but I digress. By the way I should warn the reader in advance that this particular post will contain some toilet humor. Generally I try to keep it clean, but sometimes I digress. But, I digress.

The other day I wander into the executive wash room at work. I have named the executive wash room accordingly because it...

a) is not in the office at all, but out back in the warehouse.
2) has an ENTIRE SHOWER in it. Awesome.

Anyway, I'm out there to take the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl. I love playing football at work because it accomplishes the awesome task combination of dropping anchor, getting paid, and taking up work time not working, all at once. It's quite the tri-fecta.

I mosey in, drop trou', and... the seat is broken. I mean literally. Cracked smooth in half on one side. My immediate reaction is "oh shit." Then I thought, "Haha... I said 'shit,' and it is. I'm funny." How do you crack a toilet seat? Constipation? Favoring one side too much? I'm not sure honestly. I'm not that big of a dude to be sitting down and cracking toilet seats. Believe me, if I did, this entry would be about me bragging about it. It's not an issue of embarrassment... I think think I'm physically incapable.

Enough of this joke. I've got business to attend to. The kids are late for swim class. Since I'm always thinking ahead, I note to myself I should be careful so I don't get my ass cheek caught in the crack. "That'd be funny." I says to myself.

Turns out, it's not funny.

No sooner do I bring in the Haz-Mat team to clean up the fallout, and I realize I am, in fact, trapped in the toilet seat crack. Shit. "Haha, I said 'shit' again. Oh right this hurts. FUCK!" Once I manage to extricate myself from my shitty situation, I wrap things up.

Washing my hands at the sink, I'm thinking to myself... that hurt. That hurt a lot. This must be how girls feel at City Nights (inside Bay Area joke there). No but ("Haha 'butt.'") seriously. In fact, I note to myself... it's a sharp enough pain that if I didn't know better, I would think I was bleeding. Haha. That's funny, I say to myself as I glance over at the toilet and notice a slight discoloration on the seat. Is that... Oh shit (Ha!). That looks like... oh snaps. That IS blood. I AM bleeding. I break out my butt cheek to verify, and sure enough, there's a small cut on my ass cheek.

"You've got to be shitting me."
We have a new toilet seat now.

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Guess who had stuff happen to him?

by Paul Apr 1, 2008 10:46

No come on, guess. You guys never listen to me, I swear. Anyway, since I'm constantly being harassed to write funny things, I set out on a task this weekend to involve myself in some cheeky shenanigans. Also, this one might take a few paragraphs, so either shut up in advance or go get a Snickers (fatty).

Since I'm the hunter, and the girl is the gatherer... I went to Target to hunt for furniture to build (preferably without tools). Not because I can't use tools mind you; I'm the hunter remember? No, more because I'm lazy.

So I loaded up my cart with a variety of goods to-be-assembled by your's truly. As I'm in the DVD area (because that's where they put the DVD furniture, not in the furniture section), a guy looks at me and asks, "Hey, do you guys have the soundtrack to the Sound of Music?" Um, where do I start? Ok, how about with the fact that I'm wearing a dark blue, long sleeved shirt, AT TARGET. How about the fact that I'm wearing Adidas slippers? Man target has really relaxed the dress code for their stock boys. Slippers and our competitors' colors are now acceptable attire. I actually took a moment to look down at myself to make sure I wasn't the idiot (am I ever? Don't answer that).

In the split second it took me to assess the situation, I decided the following:

A) Let him finish his question (even though I realized by the second word what was happening).
2) Telling him "Sorry, I don't work here." isn't nearly up to my standards.
2i) What CAN I say to him that will be up to my standards?
2ii) Which elements of my surrounding (I am actually a licensed ninja) will aid me in my options for a response?
... oh right, and

D) How dumb is this guy?

This is what happened:

Me: Yes, I think we do (point away from me over his shoulder).
He: (Turns to look) Thanks bro.

I immediately turned the corner of the aisle (see 2ii) and pulled my cart around after me. Let it not go unnoticed that the same man who asked me about the Sound of Music soundtrack responds with the term "bro."

Back at home I unpack my set of shelves, the desk, and the DVD rack. Yes, all at once, why? No, I'm not sure what can go wrong. I'm not sure I'm following you here. Anyway...

I build the desk and DVD case effortlessly. I'm pretty sure the ease of those tasks automatically gains me admisstion to MIT for higher education, but I digress.

The shelves I purchased, are wire and metal (man and manlier), so I set about putting the legs together. Once I got done doing a quick martial arts kata with my shelf-leg-bo-staff (I told myself I could have been a world champion), I stood next to the "leg" and observed to myself that it was taller than I am. "Man this is tall." I noted (Told you I observed to myself). This can't be right. I look back at a box that tells me this is a 72" shelf. Seventy two inches... man what is that like... oh wait... that's six feet tall. Two thoughts enter my head at this point.

Un) Goddamn six feet tall is a big ass shelf!
Deux) If it's six feet tall, why the hell doesn't it say that? Who the hell knows what the hell seventy two inches is... the hell?!

Right? Don't lie to me, you had no idea how long/tall seventy two inches is. I'll tell you how long it is. It's long enough for me to keep spelling the number out entirely, that's for sure.

The moral of this story is, once I assembled said big-ass-shelves... It took me a few minutes to load it up with all the random boxes and crap that had previously been occupying my entire office/den/dining room area. Just like that. No tools required, and that six foot shelf fixed all of my problems folks. Incidentally, the few minutes it took me to load the shelves up happened the next day because, well, building it was an accomplishment that was important enough to get its own day; not to be mixed in with the menial chore of putting objects on a shelf.Since I know you're all looking to me for advice, the next time you have a crisis in life, think about the moral of this story. Have you tried to solve the problem? Ok, that's fair. Now, have you thought about throwing a six foot shelf at that issue? Broke? Broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe you're just broke in the face? First things first here... try to fix it with a six foot shelf. Don't say it didn't work if you haven't tried it.

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Yeah so...

by Paul Mar 24, 2008 10:45
Watch this video. Sike! Gotcha. Yes I know, awesome video, but seriously... I meant this video. I'll wait.

Back? Yes I know I spelled psych wrong. Here is my review of that commercial:


I have no friggin' idea what the hell I just saw. So I guess this Sobe Life Water is so tasty, it just makes you smile. That's what I do whenever I eat or drink something that tastes really good.

Secondly... did I say "What the hell?!" yet? Ok good. What the hell? Does it make lizards dance? If I drink it do I become evil? You saw what happened to the lizard's eye. Another lizard ate something (Had to be the fat lizard too right?). It might have been another lizard. I don't even know! Why am I yelling?! Will I turn into a canibal if I drink this stuff?

Thriller? Why? Why not Get Low by Lil' John and the East Side boys? F it. Why not On Top of Old Smokey (or my personal favorite On Top of Spaghetti... either because I'm Sicilian, or possibly because that's a juvenile rendition and I'm some form of Toys R Us kid)?

Did you notice she (Naomi Cambell by the way) started this silliness when the lizard caught a drop that splashed out when she "set" the drink down? Slammed it down more like. Who the hell puts their drink down like that?

This is delicious. ::BANG!!!::

Nevermind that she has to weigh like 105 pounds (or 1.5 Debbies for those of you keeping track at home)... I'm sorry but I just don't see her having the physical strength to slam a drink down hard enough to eject liquid into the air for a lizard to catch.
Now... if they showed her throwing the bottle at a latin housekeeper... MAYBE. Oh and as always I have to ask my two-part moron question: who's idea was this, and who is the idiot that approved it?

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What up suckas...

by Paul Mar 3, 2008 10:43
That's a rhetorical question folks, I can't hear your responses. I apologize for the frequent and lengthy sabbaticals taken by yours truly on a blog that only I am qualified to write. I say this of course because nobody else would want to write my blog, due to any number of reasons. I say "any number" because that number is probably... one. I'd say more, but let's not lose focus here.


Despite any rumors you may have heard. I am not a funny person. Everyone else is funny (read: retarded). I'm just cynical enough to watch them and point out their flaws as they happen. It's kind of like how everything looks cooler in slow-motion. Only for me, everything is funny as long as you point it out at the right moment. Preferably, when the victim person is feeling as awkward as possible as a result of their actions.


A girl falls down a flight of stairs. I say "Watch out for those steps!!!" Aaaaaannnd. SCENE!

Nice Paul. I'll be in my trailer.

I sort of lost my train of thought. Luckily I found this article. Where do I start?

How about that headline? Soap fans: We want more of gay story. Haha. Yeah, me too. I love me some gay stories. You know what the last gay story was that I wanted more of? Sanjaya on last year's American Idol. Oh and I don't mean because he was a frail fruit cake of an individual either. I don't need to tell this audience about how our generation throws the term "gay" around to describe any miniscule, slightly less than good situation. Nor am I asking the media at large to mimic our borderline special-ed day to day diction. Let's be realistic here young people. If like, aliens are like, listening to our like, casual conversations (which would be totally gay of them by the way), they would totally like, think our like, pets are in charge in this piece.

So no, I'm not saying the news should be covered by one of our genuinely english-deficient peers. What I'm saying is maybe when you write a headline, you should think about the different ways it might get interpreted. I'm a perfect example. When the headline "Soap fans: We want more of gay story" showed up in my inbox, my reaction was "Oh man! I don't care what this story is about I have to see what possessed a CNN writer to write that." I'd capitalize CNN to stress that somehow that indicates a writer who works for them should be intelligent, but it turns out it's already capitalized; so, in my face.




Sorry I had to read it again and laugh. It actually gets better if you can believe it though. The article goes on to quote a GUY who started the campaign. I'm assuming the dude is gay. However I'm not knocking that. I'm only pointing out that an article about an on-screen gay couple might entice the news agency to pay particular attention to any way the editorial could be misconstrued. But hey, what do I know, right? Exactly.

Since I have ADD and I'm currently counting the popcorn on my ceiling, let me leave you with the following. The guy who started the campaign for this thing, works as a "Computer Worker." Now, I've been working in computer engineering in various capacities for about ten years now. I have learned a couple of things. One is that I've never once met a "computer worker" in my life. The other fact is that I work say... 50-60 hours a week, and that's not really considered a long week in this industry. So how this guy has time to be a computer worker, and make it home by 2pm to watch soaps is beyond me; but I want his job.
Oh yeah... how funny and redundant is it to say "Soap fans: We want more of gay story." It's a soap opera guys... ALL the stories are gay.

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