by Paul
Feb 23, 2005 08:57
when you go outside and look up at the sky, and marvel at how beautiful our world is? Maybe. But the fact remains if you do this on a regular basis, you're some sort of hippy-pussy hybrid, and you obviously don't have enough to do. I work 7 days a week. I don't stand around staring at the sky unless a bird took a crap on my car. You make me sick.
Todays special is: Steamed green-leaf vegetables, soaked in meat sauce.Get a goddamn job.
by Paul
Feb 22, 2005 08:55
so it should be pretty obvious by now that John and I are both total fat-asses. I really want to do something about it, but it's genetic. I have a glandular problem. Also I have no self esteem. I can't help it. Leave me alone because I can't lose weight. Alright, I'll do it! With that hurdle cleared, I started my diet with orange juice and string cheese. I noticed a couple things. First, string cheese has to be the stupidest food on the face of the earth. Cheese does not come pre-strung, so somewhere Malaysian children are slaving away to string this cheese. Maybe in Malaysia, I just don't know.
Anyway, who eats string cheese by peeling off strings of it at a time? Does it strike anyone else as weird that a piece of food that small requires 2 hands to eat? I mean christ, who's stopping you from taking a bite out of the whole thing? I'll tell you who... wait, no I won't. I just don't know. With that being said, I suggest you get some string cheese, and eat it in a mirror. Pay attention to how ridiculous a human adult looks, consuming a piece of cheese by peeling down strings of it off a larger cylinder of cheese. I guarantee after watching yourself eat cheese on a string by string basis, you will agree with me.
Moving on. I then shook my individually sized container of orange juice, wherein I noted that I was doing this weird wrist-action, twisty shake job on it. Who shakes containers of liquid like this? Is the permeation of male masturbation imagery in our society so perverse that we cannot shake containers in a jerk-off motion? There's nothing to be ashamed of. Even Intellectual Ape has to rub one out once in a while. Clearly this method of shaking is more effective. At this juncture, I set out to establish a new and cool shaking method. I decided to use the maraca rattle method. If you've ever seen any good fat maraca guys, they have this little rhythmic wrist flick, WHILE they're doing the whole, up-and-down arm motion. Not only is it a super effective shake method, but it makes orange juice "fun". We all need fun food. If you've stopped peeling string cheese like I have, all that creative food consumption has to go somewhere.
Before I forget,
I'm currently losing weight by: thinking thin.
I am listening to: a Linkin Park song; because I think upper class white kids singing to me about how rough life is, is extremely poignant and meaningful.I've tried so hard, and come so far; in the end, it doesn't even matter because nobody was taking my position seriously to begin with. Hey, live and learn.
by Paul
Feb 17, 2005 08:53
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get your girl some cliché gifts for Valentine's day. Bake the skeezer a cake or something. While you're at it, draw her a card in crayon, by first folding up a piece of paper. Get the box of 8 fat ass crayons you used in kindergarten. You know the ones with one flat side so they don't roll off your desk? That way, you can show her how pretty she is by drawing her face on there, and coloring it in with orange; which is how you color caucasians with 8 crayon colors. If your girl is of African decent, then you know what color to use: black. Also, outline everything in black. In real life, everyone has black outlines.
All I'm saying is, if you're a guy like me (and by that I mean male) you probably suck at keeping your woman happy, so don't get her flowers and a balloon that will only serve to remind her how much you suck. The flower will be dead the next day, whithered away like her happiness and sense of excitement with your relationship. In the beginning she thought you were a moron, but nice; and she'd whip you into shape. Well (insert-length-of-your-relationship-here) months/years later, you haven't changed at all, and she's feeling like a failure. So what do you do? You buy her a balloon. A piece of mylar shaped like a heart. And do you know what that balloon is doing right now? It's sadly floating around her room while she's awake and you're snoring next to her, after that 4 and a half minutes of dynamite loving you just gave her. She's watching that balloon move closer and away from the bed in sync with your halitosis breathing. Half-deflated, and limp; bearing a striking resemblence to your manhood.
So take my advice fold a piece of paper, draw her face, and on the inside write "Dear Baby, I suck. If it's ok I'd like you to stay with me while I suck, until I die. Thanks!" Then maybe draw a heart. At least I think that should work.
Today my mood is: Mauve
I am happiest when I: Have a tub of icecream and Will and Grace is on. |
| In retrospect, I'd probably do it all differently. At least that's what I'd be thinking, as I did it exactly the same. |
by Paul
Feb 11, 2005 08:51
I am currently listening to: A song people in Nebraska would think is sung by a homosexual.
Today's word is: Super.
Am I the alone in thinking that Fez, the loveable character from That 70's Show bears a striking resemblence to Mati, the member of the Planeteers of Captain Planet fame? The ladies love both of them. Fez is a sensitive guy, and Mati controlled the power of Heart. Sure on the surface Fire, or Water might seem more powerful, but if you think about it would Captain Planet be able to use those powers without his heart? Is not judgement of good versus evil the ultimate power? Is not using the phrase "is not" a terrible way to start a sentence? How far has our public school system really sinkeded when guys like I are talking to yous like that?That's what I'm talking about.