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If you're ever accused of child molestation...

by Paul Jun 13, 2005 09:58

Just Beat it! HAHAHA. Oh snaps. Good one me. No, but seriously, I, myself, personally am a big Michael Jackson fan. Given that his trial was decided today, I figured I'd do like everyone else in the world and write about it. However, I'm not here to talk about the trial as much as the coverage.

I'm sitting at work watching Wolf Blitzer on CNN. First they announce when the verdict will be read. Yeah right, I saw the Scott Peterson case too, and they were like an hour off on that verdict. Anyway, I digress. Wolf Blitzer is arguably one of the most recognizable personalities in news, yet he apparently has no fucking clue how trials are conducted. He, and his crack field team spent upwards of 45 minutes leading up to the verdict showing me footage of MJ moonwalking the 15 miles from his Neverland Ranch to the court house. Yes that's right, Michael Joe Jackson, moonwalked 15 miles, and set a world record. Then he got off scott free! What did you accomplish today?

So then, Wolf and his dudes, henceforth referred to as CFT for crack field team, start talking about not the verdict, but how the verdict will work. Wolf Blitzer, CNN superstar actually said the following:

Wolf Blitzer: So, CFT member... will the jury enter the courtroom and then read the verdict?

Gee Wolf, I really have no fucking clue. Does the jury decide the verdict and then read it? No that can't possibly be right. Is that how the judicial system works? Really, I have no idea! Is that normal?

Wolf Blitzer: Now...basically what happens is you have the trial. Where one guys says he's guilty, and the other guy says he's not, correct?

CFT Sack O'Crap: That's right Wolf. This is what's known as a "Trial." Basically, the two sides use "words" to "convince" the "judger people" that they are right. Then those "judger people" go into a little room, and I think get upset and throw staplers and free catered bagels at each other. They then...

Wolf Blitzer: Hold on CFT memeber! MJ's Cadillac and two Suburbans are pulling up. MJ could start dancing on hoods at any moment.

The Escalade, the more expensive of the 3 vehicles pulls up first and out comes... SIKE! In your face potential assassins. MJ is in the nondescript second vehicle.

Wolf Blitzer: I'm sorry CFT member, I was just wasting some more time. You were saying?

CFT Sack O'Crap: No problem Wolf, you may have noticed I have no idea what I'm talking about. But anyway as you were saying, YES, after the "judger people"...uh..."judge" whether he's guilty or not, they then come out, as you described, and "tell" us what they thought.

Wolf Blitzer: Fascinating stuff CFT member. We're going to go now to a shot of 400 people who have nothing better to do on a WORK DAY but stand in front of a court house.

Needless to say, they spent the next 15 minutes talking about whether or not the jury would file in single file, or two-by-two, paired off by gender, in order from tallest to shortest and in the event of a tie, sorted by last name, first name, alphabetical order starting with J (for justice). Wolf then made the point that he would have liked it if there were cameras in the courtroom. Wait. Really? Let me see if I understand. You're a news anchor, on TV, who's entire existence is based on the video feeds from cameras, and you actually WANT a camera in the courtroom to cover the story you're currently reporting on? Wow. I'm stunned. I never would have guessed that'd be your stance Wolf. No seriously, not in a million years. Well maybe in a million years. But certainly not in two million years. In two million years, I'd start to second guess myself.

Fast forward.

The jury foreman starts reading the verdicts "On the count of the lewd act of getting down on the hood of an SUV...not guilty"

Stupid Loser-no-job-having Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!

The crowd goes fucking bananas. Go ahead and say "B-A-N-A-N-A-S." Idiot. Then the jury reads the second charge.

Oh shit there's more? Yes. The crowd apparently was reading the same book as Wolf Blitzer about how the judicial process works.

That's right moron-crowd-outside there are ten charges, not one. So shut your fucking cake-holes. In either case he was found guilty on none of the charges so it's a moot point I guess, but they're all stupid nonetheless.

Following this result, every legal analyst in the world tells us that the prosecution picked the wrong family to charge Michael "Jam On!" Jackson. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you could pick who pressed charges against people these days. Well that's no good. They found him not guilty! Let's get somebody who's more credible to say he touched them. How about an altar boy?

In any case, MJ's not guilty according to the justice system, so quit hating and get off his nuts. Even if he doesn't want you to. Ah-Heee Heee! Yeah I went there.
JAM ON! There's nothing illegal about being a weirdo, anyway.

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Blogs | P Funk's Journal of Warm Fuzzy Feelings

I'm all about these short blog entries these days...

by Paul May 24, 2005 09:56
because I realized I don't really care about anybody except myself. Let me tell you, me, myself, personally; I care about doing whatever I want, because I'm an independent woman thanks to Beyoncé's encouragement.

I'm getting sidetracked.

Today I spent a few hours thinking up the most redudant name possible. That name is as follows:

Heathcliff Clifford Ford

There it is. Don't worry, I didn't waste my time. I was at work, so it's all good.
The thought just occured to me that some of you might not get the joke. Well, you're stupid. That's ok. If I have to live with you being stupid, I'll be damned if you don't suffer with me.

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Attention everone! I have a very important announcement to make...

by Paul May 18, 2005 09:55

The following people are not attractive:

Britney Spears
Lindsay Lohan
Paris Hilton
Nicole Richie (her sister according to some people.)
Ashlee Simpson (the spelling of her name is ugly too.)

There I said it. Can everyone please stand up, and remove themselves from the preceding lists' nuts.

I don't give a crap how many pictures you've seen. Oh and don't bother with "Yeah but you have to admit ____ was looking FINE that time when _____!" You know what? I probably didn't see it, but no. No she wasn't looking fine.
Thank you.

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Unfortunately, I think I've been in a funk lately...

by Paul May 16, 2005 09:54
It happens to the Paul of us. I mean, to the best of us. My bad, I always get those two words mixed up. What I needed, was some laughter. Unfortunately, since I'm busy entertaining all of your sorry asses, I barely have any time to entertain myself.

I needed to rectify this situation, post haste. So I get to thinking about what's ALWAYS funny. I don't mean funny like "I'm Rick James Bitch", after you've heard it for the 150th time...today... I mean funny no matter how many times you're party to it. What I needed was clear:

I needed to see somebody fall down.

That's right folks, since the dawn of time, no matter how our specie advances technologically, biologically, and philosophically; watching somebody scrub really good, NEVER gets old.

In fact it's one of the few occurances in life where it just gets infinitely funnier the more you think about it. Furthermore, talking about it second hand, is sometimes even funnier than actually witnessing the victim bite it live, in person. If you can find a good story teller like uh, like maybe Paul Sobel, then you're in for a real treat.

I remember one time in junior high school (the J is pronounced like an H because Yo hablo Espanol) my friend B was trying to jump over a row of desks we had set up. We both cleared 4 desks pretty easily. On the 5th desk however, he started his hurdle, churning his arms and shit like he was Carl fucking Lewis, only he caught his toe on the end of the 5th desk. This wasn't a regular scrub folks. This was a SAVAGE nose dive. I laughed so hard all through lunch that I was late to my next period.

Or remember that one time at Pitt High when that chick bit it down like... all 45 steps of the Creative Arts building? Can I get an Amen?

Just FYI for the 2k5 for the non-925-ers, the Creative Arts building was our High School auditorium that was built pre-WW2 (yes the war) so it's actually a bomb shelter. Those stairs that young lady fell down were pristine brick. Brick red. So red, you couldn't see her blood. Awe... yeah, that's just mean. Just in case you're wondering, yes I laughed, yes it was great, and yes I'm laughing right now.

At a later time, somebody told me if you laugh at people who fall down, then you will fall down. Yeah, and? That's funny stuff. I've fallen off of pretty much every structure, and out of, or off of, every vehicle you can imagine. Yes, it's funny every time. The possible exception might be the stitches I got in my face in Mexico, but mostly because I lied earlier when I said I hablo Espanol. I have to come clean people, I can barely speak English. I dictate my blog to a Native American via smoke signals, then Sitting Onherlaurels translates it for me.

Today I am feeling: My left hand with my right hand, because I have my hands folded.
The question isn't if a tree fell in the forest, would you hear it. The question is, would you laugh. If you answered no, then you're unamerican. That's right, I said it. I'm sorry... I thought this was America!?!

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I heard that desperate times call for desperate measures...

by Paul May 10, 2005 09:53
but that doesn't mean you have to cast common sense to the wind. I don't give a crap how sick and twisted that Charles Graner dude from the prison scandal is. I don't care how long he was in the hot Iraqi desert. The fact is that broad Lynndie R. England, is as ugly as steaming desert ass.

I don't want to insult any of our hard working military, but guys; seriously, you can do better than that. She looks like she had a regular head at one time, and then a bomb went off inside her face. Maybe a suicide bomb, I don't know. Maybe they were stuck in the desert on patrol, and she was going to eat a big ass beetle, and he saw that mug open wide to put him in her mouth, and he was like "Fuck that! I'm going to fuck this bitch up!"

Really I think the ugliness is why the inmates are mad. If she was hot, they wouldn't give a crap. I mean, Christ, there are weirdo's who actually go out of their way to find women to tie them up and shit. Leather and whips and what not. Still, I don't think any of the dominatrix broads are that broken. That's a special kind of ugly.

Today's flavor is: The sour taste her picture leaves in your mouth.
Oh yeah, and her name is spelled stupid too. Lyn-n-n-n-die? It sounds like her mom was stuttering while the nurse wrote the name down. Maybe she stuttered because she was stunned by how brutally ugly her kid was.

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