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Move over Officer Dan...

by Paul Apr 4, 2006 10:24
There is a new bad-ass cop in town. That cop's name is a name that I don't know. I don't know because I don't watch CSI. However, I'm talking about CSI. Do you kids watch the CSI?

For those of you who have been held hostage in Iraq for the past few years, allow me to fill you in. CSI stands for Crime Scene Investigators, and now has like 29 spinoff shows that are exactly the same thing except in some other city. CSI: Miami, CSI:SVU (special victims unit), CSI:BBQ, CSI: Armpit America, and CSI: Butt-fucking Maniacs to name a few. Basically what a crime scene investigator does is like... show up to the scene. You know, the crime scene? Then, they investigate.

Before you tell me you could do a better job of that, you can't. It's more than just showing up, and figuring out which direction the kid on the bike got hit by the wheat thresher my friend. Crime Scene Investigators are the new cool cops in town. They beat crooks with their brains instead of with the butt of a pistol. Justice is now served up with dry cool wit, and MIT smarts; instead of dry cool handcuffs and beatdowns. It's a shame, I know.

Pardon me, but when did being a fucking nerd become so cool? These people walk around in their cool clothes, and show up in their cool unmarked cars (maybe because they're never in any actual danger unlike real cops) and then start trying to call the shots.

"Don't touch that!"

"You'll contaminate the whatchamacallit!"

Fuck you college graduate.

Oh and don't say Star Trek was when nerds became cool. Riker was cool. Data was cool. Captains Jean Luc Picard and Kirk were cool. Captain Janeway... negative. A female captain? Give me a break. I don't care how far into the future it is. No woman is steering me around the galaxy if she can't even get out of a driveway without ripping a mirror off my bucket. Anyway the point is, while elements of Star Trek may have been cool, it certainly did not allow nerds (ie: Star Trek fans) to be cool.

Before I get too long winded, allow me to get to the point. A Crime Scene Investigator has probably already deduced that I'm going to cuss somebody out. However, they don't actually prevent me from doing it like a real cop, they just figure it out.

CSI guys (and girls, to give you an idea of how little physical activity is involved) apparently know how every chemical and element under the sun reacts with everything else on earth. Yet they haven't solved the riddle of a healthy romantic relationship. Bummer.

CSI people get to the scene, and start barking out orders like a UFO just landed. Here's an entire CSI show plot in like one paragraph:

CSI Guy: "Rookie! Don't touch that!"
Rookie: "Sorry sir."
CSI Guy: "Goddamnit rookie. Hurry up and get me a bottle of anti-freeze, half a pack of tic-tacs, and a Capri Sun pouch!"

(editor's note: CSI Guys are always concocting potions and shit in the middle of the street to make elaborate solutions for obvious crimes.)

Rookie: "A Capri Sun pouch sir? I don't understand."
CSI Guy: "Jesus Christ Monkey Balls Rookie! The anti-freeze and the tic-tacs, when mixed together will ________ the victim's ________.This will enable ________ to ________ , and we'll find our perp."
Rookie: "Brilliant!... and the Capri Sun?"
CSI Guy: "I'm thirsty."

Hey guys, what the fuck happened to fingerprint dust and fucking DNA samples? Every goddamn episode they're sitting in the middle of the street mixing shit together like a bunch of Wiccans. Or, maybe MacGuyver. SIKE! Not even close to MacGuyver. The first time I actually watched the whole show thinking to myself "Surely if they're putting all these ingredients together, they'll be able to build something like the A-Team and then bust into a warehouse and take out like 50 guys." Boy was I wrong. Instead they just made some idiotic prediliction based on their idiotic potions, and solved the crime in the same manner.

CSI Guy: "I mixed the anti-freeze with the toad's eye, the dragon's claw, and a packet of gravel... Oh my god!"
Rookie: "WHAT?!?"
CSI Guy: "This substance is chewing gum."
Rookie: "How can you tell?"
CSI Guy: "It's stuck to my shoe."
Rookie: "But the only sale of chewing gum in this city in the past week has been by the corner store to Joe Blow!"
CSI Guy: "Precisely."

Wow. Give that guy the nobel prize. Stunning detective work. CSI sucks balls.
Barney Fife is rolling over in his grave.

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