by John
Mar 21, 2005 07:33
People. I work. I can’t participate in your midday, weekday activities. I work, from Monday to Friday, from 9AM to 5PM. Some people call it the “9-to-5.” Apparently this isn’t sinking in. Let me coin a new phrase (suitable for backwards tattooing on your forehead or other visible area of epidermis).
I work the Ni-Fi-Mo-Fri. For the publicly educated, that’s pronounced “Nye-Figh-Moe-Fry.” Say it as quickly as possible whenever needed. You don’t have much time during your 15-minute coffee break.
This is a phrase sure to sweep the nation. It has much more specificity than the 9-to-5. But hey, why stop there? Indicate that you’re, in fact, not a seasonal farm worker. “I work the Ni-Fi-Mo-Fri-12-Mo.”
While we’re at it, why not make a remark about the state of Social Security? “I work the Ni-Fi-Mo-Fri-12-Mo-til-the-Day-I-Die.” This will indicate your availability for the next 50 years (unless if you’re weighty).
My new work schedule lingo is so catchy, it may reach a point of Jon Heder-ism. I’m sorry, that’s You’re-Not-Jon-Heder-ism. In other words, you may find the phrase so invasive that it has become a nuisance. You’ll know this has occurred when the malnourished fake techno-tool referenced in my other article is grinning like an idiot while wearing a shirt emblazoned with the phrase. “Oooh, I’m so ironic! Don’t you just love my wry humor?! Please, someone affirm my person. I’m so douchey and fragile!”
The preceding was an example of the t-shirt wearer’s inner monologue. Punch him in the face. It will only mean that he cries now rather than later that night in pitch darkness while listening to Bright Eyes.