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The other day I was having a conversation with a person I know with boobs...

by Paul Nov 8, 2005 10:12
Well, I was talking, and she was nodding...off. Either way, that's a conversation in my book. The subject at hand was the nursery rhyme about Jack and Jill. For those of you unfamiliar with the anecdote, basically, Jack and Jill go up a hill, to fetch a pail of water. Jack falls down, and breaks his crown, and Jill comes tumbling after.

Now, I'm all for teaching kids morals with Aesops' Fables, and Kermit the Frog's various methods for advocating racial equality and what not. What I'm not for however, is lying to the children.

Clearly somebody's trying to pull the wool over my eyes on this one. Nobody writes nursery rhymes anymore. So that means, this was written like a hundred years ago. You know, before science could explain all the mysteries of life, and people relied on crazy shit like the bible and Old Mother Hubbard to explain its various intricacies.

Incidentally, this might be the first in a long series analysis. Featuring my expert man brain, explaining the various falicies implicit in these seemingly harmless stories we tell our children. By the way, when I say "our" children, I of course mean your children, because I know how to not have children; it was explained to me in a nursery rhyme.

So anyway back to the lecture at hand. Perfection is perfected so I'ma let 'em understand. From a young G's perspective. And before me dig in a bitch I have to find a contraceptive. See, a nursery rhyme taught me that. And you thought I was just making stuff up. Shame on you.

No but seriously. Alright so, Jack right... wait, let me back up. First of all, who puts a well on top of a hill? A hill is a raised piece of land. if there is water in the hill, then you could drill the well at a slant at the base of the hill, and eliminate the need to drill down like... 100 feet of hill.

Technically, whoever had the bright idea to put a well on top of a hill, is responsible for Jack falling down and breaking his crown.

What's really important in this whole story, is the motive. Fetching water, the last time I tried, is not a two man job. Or a two woman job. Or a one man and one woman job. Remember that one skank in the bible who Jesus saved from getting stoned? He was like "Yo... let this broad give me some water before you stone her." Then if I remember right, they tried to stone her, but they missed and Jesus said, "Haha, are you going to build a house with all those bricks?" Then they laughed together and built a barn. That's how the amish started. The point is, it only takes one woman to fetch water. Plus when this nursery rhyme was written in 34 B.C., women did all that work anyway. There's only one explanation as far as I see it. Jill must have lied and conned Jack up there with the promise of something else. Either she told him she'd show him her dust covered saggy (no bras in 34 B.C.) boobs, or that there was a big ass TV on that hill.

I could get into the history of women manipulating men, but let's not even escalate this post to that point. The bottom line is, Jill got Jack up on that hill, then she pushed him down the hill. I know this, because of the way the events played out. I submit the following potential scenarios to further my case:

Exhibit A: If the guy was trying to kill the girl, he'd just kick her in the face and throw her down the well. Nobody would find her because no dude is going up a hill to fetch water just for the fuck of it. Not without a promise of deflated balloon titties, or a television at least. Plus even if you went up there, the well is like a million feet deep because some idiot put it on top of a hill.
Verdict: It couldn't have happened because Jack fell and got hurt, not the other way around.

Exhibit B: If Jack fell down by accident, for any number of reasons, be it lack of coordination, an honest mistake by Jill or whatever, why did Jill fall down behind him? And when she did, why didn't she also break her crown? While possible, it's not very plausible.
Verdict: It might have happened in a million years, but man hasn't lived on earth for that long, so no.

Exhibit C: Jill intentionally lures Jack to the top of the hill. She is not a Viking so she can't throw Jack into the well. She promises to take her top off if Jack closes his eyes. At this point she pushes Jack down the hill to break his crown. In order to displace suspicion, she then follows him tumbling down the hill herself. "Conveniently" Jill escapes the terrifying ordeal unharmed. Incidentally, Jill convinced Jack to build the well 5 years earlier when she hatched this entire plot. If only Jack knew he was building his own gallows so to speak.
Verdict: Open and shut case Johnson. Let's sprinkle some crack on him and get the hell out of here.

Well folks there you have it. One of History's mysteries solved. It's not an easy job, but I do it anyway. For truth, justice, and for my own self.
By the way, even if Jack broke his crown, I'm pretty sure you can get that replaced. The porcelin work dentists these days can do is amazing. I wouldn't know though, since I don't have any fillings in my super human teeth!

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