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Like everyone else, I have set various personal goals in life.

by Paul Sep 11, 2007 10:40

Most of these goals I have tried really hard to try really hard at. One of these goals has been to get some babies named after me. Not my babies, mind you. Anybody can get a "junior." That's amateur night. I'm talking about friends, casual acquaintences, and total strangers.

Basically when I know a girl is pregnant I say, you know... Paul is a great name. I'm a great person, and my name is Paul. Do the math. There's an entire formula dedicated to it. I think it's called the theory of relativity. Clearly, you should name your kid Paul. However, this can be a tough sell for a couple of reasons. Firstly, most girls I know use another guy to get pregnant. This means some dude is going to feel like he's got a right to say the girl can't name the child after me. Obviously, it's just jealousy, but I digress.

The other speed bump is when the baby is going to be a girl. I think the only way you name your girl Paul is if she's going to grow up to be like... a super model. And let's face it ladies... look at the father; probably not going to happen.

A friend of mine pointed out the potential downside of having a "common" name. However his name is Brandon, so that doesn't count. Despite all his claims and denials, he's just as much a part of that trendy ass name as anybody else. That being said, he may have made a decent point. So, my new goal is to get my name tattooed on people. Honestly, it could even be on a dude; like Malcolm X. However I'd still prefer, guys... if you're on the fence... don't do it. Convince your girlfriend to. It just looks better for me. Come on, it's not THAT far-fetched. Somebody somewhere has Brad Pitt's name/face tattooed on them. Why Paul? Excuse you?! Why NOT Paul. If you can't answer that, then I think you need to make an immediate appointment at your local parlor.

You know what? Why stop there. There are only so many fonts you can get my name in, and you definitely want something unique. You want my face tattooed on you... AND your child. Put it on the child's back. I'll start putting up a variety of photos of me, for you all to choose from.

After my mug, put some text around it that says "If found, please return to this guy; but understand he's not accepting custody." At that point I'll probably get a Nobel prize for my continued efforts in solving missing children reports, and rescuing battered wives from uh... whatever it is they need rescuing from.
I think it's black eyes.

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