Q. Why can’t I view your videos?
A. Blindness? I’m not your keeper. Ok, fine. You’re probably missing the proper Windows Media codecs. Go here for the latest.
If you need the whole shebang, then go here for Windows Media Player.
If you don’t have Windows Media Player you may be on a Mac. In which case, I don’t care. Enjoy your marginally superior Adobe software and complete lack of games. Actually, you can download a Mac version from the WMP link above.
Q. Why is the video playing so slow?
A. Because you bought an HP/Compaq even after your SuPr AzN friend told you not to. Simply put, your video card and/or computer is too slow. Sell yourself nightly and save up money.
Q. What is BitTorrent?
A. BitTorrent helps a brutha out. You can all share resources like a bunch of communists and at the same time help us save a little bandwidth. We greatly encourage you to use this little gem. And no, it doesn’t have spyware. I promise. You can download the program here:
http://bitconjurer.org/BitTorrent/download.html
Q. Ok, I don’t have BitTorrent. Why do you want me to right-click and save the file? Places like ifilm won’t even let you save it.
A. First of all, you should have BitTorrent. Places like Ifilm have money. We don’t. We appreciate your interest and we want you to return, but we don’t want you downloading the same freakin’ video 15 times. We lose enough work hours slaving away for our art. Combined with bandwidth costs, that’s a hell of a lot of money lost. Every time you don’t right-click or use BitTorrent, I have to skip a meal. Thanks a lot, jerks.
Q. Will you sell my name email address to a spammer?
A. No, they already have your email address. It’d be like selling a fat kid a warm winter coat. It’s a moot point. Your email is safe.
Q. Can I sign your guestbook?
A. YES!
Q. Pa killed Ma and now I have a fat wad of cash. Can I help you guys out somehow?
A. YES!
Q. Can I advertise with you? Will you blatantly promote my products?
A. Heavens yes.
Q. How can I contact you?
A. There are email links in the Team section.
Q. You guys arent even funny. YOU %$#% SUCk!@! Who the hell todld you you where funny?
A. Yes I am and everyone I’ve met.
Q. Hey, I have a GREAT idea for one of your vid…
A. No
Q. You cut me off!
A. Yes. I call it a “verbal circumcision.”
Q. Hey, I’m from the Bay Area! Can I be in your video?!
A. If you fit John’s Dating/Marriage description, yes. In fact, send a portfolio and phone number. If you don’t, no.
Q. OK, I watched your stuff, but I don’t get your humor.
A. That’s not a question, but I’ll answer the implied question: Why am I (meaning you) a dim light bulb? The easy answer is that you’re 12. The more accurate answer is that you think Will and Grace is hilarious and Jay Leno is a god. You think SNL is consistent – let alone watchable these days. You’re an idiot. Lame jokes, snappy one-liners, and cliché characters may pass for humor in your house, but your house probably has a Ford in the driveway. Jaded Ape isn’t hard stuff. Live with your condition and continue enjoying the Emmys.
Q. Are you available for parties?
A. See John’s Dating/Marriage criteria.