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Guess who had stuff happen to him?

by Paul Apr 1, 2008 10:46

No come on, guess. You guys never listen to me, I swear. Anyway, since I'm constantly being harassed to write funny things, I set out on a task this weekend to involve myself in some cheeky shenanigans. Also, this one might take a few paragraphs, so either shut up in advance or go get a Snickers (fatty).

Since I'm the hunter, and the girl is the gatherer... I went to Target to hunt for furniture to build (preferably without tools). Not because I can't use tools mind you; I'm the hunter remember? No, more because I'm lazy.

So I loaded up my cart with a variety of goods to-be-assembled by your's truly. As I'm in the DVD area (because that's where they put the DVD furniture, not in the furniture section), a guy looks at me and asks, "Hey, do you guys have the soundtrack to the Sound of Music?" Um, where do I start? Ok, how about with the fact that I'm wearing a dark blue, long sleeved shirt, AT TARGET. How about the fact that I'm wearing Adidas slippers? Man target has really relaxed the dress code for their stock boys. Slippers and our competitors' colors are now acceptable attire. I actually took a moment to look down at myself to make sure I wasn't the idiot (am I ever? Don't answer that).

In the split second it took me to assess the situation, I decided the following:

A) Let him finish his question (even though I realized by the second word what was happening).
2) Telling him "Sorry, I don't work here." isn't nearly up to my standards.
2i) What CAN I say to him that will be up to my standards?
2ii) Which elements of my surrounding (I am actually a licensed ninja) will aid me in my options for a response?
... oh right, and

D) How dumb is this guy?

This is what happened:

Me: Yes, I think we do (point away from me over his shoulder).
He: (Turns to look) Thanks bro.

I immediately turned the corner of the aisle (see 2ii) and pulled my cart around after me. Let it not go unnoticed that the same man who asked me about the Sound of Music soundtrack responds with the term "bro."

Back at home I unpack my set of shelves, the desk, and the DVD rack. Yes, all at once, why? No, I'm not sure what can go wrong. I'm not sure I'm following you here. Anyway...

I build the desk and DVD case effortlessly. I'm pretty sure the ease of those tasks automatically gains me admisstion to MIT for higher education, but I digress.

The shelves I purchased, are wire and metal (man and manlier), so I set about putting the legs together. Once I got done doing a quick martial arts kata with my shelf-leg-bo-staff (I told myself I could have been a world champion), I stood next to the "leg" and observed to myself that it was taller than I am. "Man this is tall." I noted (Told you I observed to myself). This can't be right. I look back at a box that tells me this is a 72" shelf. Seventy two inches... man what is that like... oh wait... that's six feet tall. Two thoughts enter my head at this point.

Un) Goddamn six feet tall is a big ass shelf!
Deux) If it's six feet tall, why the hell doesn't it say that? Who the hell knows what the hell seventy two inches is... the hell?!

Right? Don't lie to me, you had no idea how long/tall seventy two inches is. I'll tell you how long it is. It's long enough for me to keep spelling the number out entirely, that's for sure.

The moral of this story is, once I assembled said big-ass-shelves... It took me a few minutes to load it up with all the random boxes and crap that had previously been occupying my entire office/den/dining room area. Just like that. No tools required, and that six foot shelf fixed all of my problems folks. Incidentally, the few minutes it took me to load the shelves up happened the next day because, well, building it was an accomplishment that was important enough to get its own day; not to be mixed in with the menial chore of putting objects on a shelf.Since I know you're all looking to me for advice, the next time you have a crisis in life, think about the moral of this story. Have you tried to solve the problem? Ok, that's fair. Now, have you thought about throwing a six foot shelf at that issue? Broke? Broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe you're just broke in the face? First things first here... try to fix it with a six foot shelf. Don't say it didn't work if you haven't tried it.

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Grab a glass of water kids...

by Paul Mar 15, 2007 10:37

This one might take a while. The other day I ordered a package from the internets. Well, I guess I didn't order a package. The package came for free with the item I had ordered inside of the box, packing materials, and tape. That's not the point. The point is... the company I ordered from provided me with a tracking number.

Have you seen this? Have you heard of these things? The tracking numbers? (See that? I can be Jay Leno too. All you have to do is ask if people have seen whatever you're about to say afterward.)

Anyway... quick recap for those of you who are internet retarded (and yes I understand the irony of this blog existing on the internet). This is how it works:

a) You order the item.
2) You are assigned a tracking number by the chosen shipping carrier (UPS, FedEx, DHL, USPS, Camel, Bike Messenger)
d) You can go to the shipping carrier's website, input a unique (more on this later) tracking number, and BAM! They will show you where your package is on its journey. Track its progress. Have a car service meet it upon arrival. Plan a surprise party. The options are only limited by your imagination!

At least on paper. The USPS gives the numbers out but they don't even track packages. The USPS numbers are actually "Delivery confirmation numbers." Look, maybe if I'm a business that matters to me that I can prove that somebody got my package, but I'm the recipient in this case. I don't need a number to look up to prove my package was delivered and signed for. I SIGNED FOR IT. The confirmation that it was delivered IS THE PACKAGE.

UPS likes to reuse their tracking numbers. I've ordered a package through them, gone to the website and been informed that my package has been shipped and delivered... 2 months ago.

FedEx had a great one for me recently. I ordered on a Friday. The tracking number said it would be delivered Monday (Three days). Monday came and went with no package, and no updated progress at all (Four days?). Then Monday night it said they just picked up the package and it would be delivered on Thursday (Ah, ok.. six days, but technically still 3 since they just got the package right?). On Wednesday I check again to see if it's still on time, and guess what? It's on the truck for delivery! Awesome. An entire day early (Six days, minus one day is five days). Estimated delivery date on the tracking site: Thursday (Wait... so six days?). Despite it being on the truck as we speak. Nevermind the fact they told me when they could deliver a package they hadn't even picked up yet.


I mean for crying out loud, it's no wonder they're constantly losing packages when they start tracking them and promising when they'll be delivered, before they ever get picked up in the first place.

You know... maybe I'm just nitpicking here, but it seems to me if the purpose of a tracking number is to gauge the progress of a package en route to me or you, and it's completely inaccurate, it's hardly tracking at all is it?

In this specific case these companies just don't want you calling them asking where your crap is. However I think this is indicative of a larger problem in our country. We're a nation of underachievers and we want credit for any progress whatsoever, no matter how menial that progress may be. Hell, we give out awards for "Most Improved". What we really mean is it's the "Sucked the Most at First, but not Anymore" award.
As of 12:08 PM PST, this blog entry is scheduled for delivery at 12:05 PM PST yesterday. I mean tomorrow. Oh wait we just delivered it to you. Check our website. Have a great day!

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I was at the store the other day

by Paul Aug 23, 2005 10:04
mashing down only the aisles containing products I need of course. I had to get some shampoo generico, and in the process I pass the tooth brushes. Now, I'm a man who is the best tooth brusher in the entire universe, and the last time I checked, a few alternate universes as well. Including the universe where everyone has perfect teeth. I'm still the best. I have had 0, count them 1, 2, 0 cavities in my entire life.

I don't even use an electric tooth brush either. My shit is all manual. The last time I bought tooth brushes was at the Costco. I got like a 50 pack (their smallest) of the super ultra tooth brushes. You know what I'm talking about?

My shit has everything. The bristles that change color so you know when you need a new brush (3 days). The bristles on the end that are longer to get behind your back teeth. I have the bristles that cross back and forth to get between your teeth.

I've got the angled head.

My angled head flexes.

I've even got the fucking rubber curb-feelers on the side that massage your gums, balance your checkbook, and wipe your ass.

My toothbrush has it all!

No, no it doesn't. I'm watching TV, and i see the Oral-B Pulsar. HOLY SHIT. This toothbrush has a head that's split in half! Some of the bristles have like... these rubber plaque attackers or something. I don't even know what's going on! All I know, is that if i can have 0 cavities now, and that's without the Oral-B Pulsar, if I got the puslar, I think I could probably have negative 4 cavities! Or maybe it would get rid of this nagging rash I keep getting. A toothbrush with more features than a fucking BMW has to be so good it's proactive at preventing all kinds of crazy ass diseases.

At least, that makes sense on paper right?

Today I'm watching: Plaque to the Future
My toothbrush is so good I catch gingivitis on purpose, just to mock it and get rid of it.

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The last time I checked...

by Paul Apr 7, 2005 09:46
I was all man. Luckily, I still am. Luckily for all the ladies in the world. Luckily for all the ladies in the world who don't order Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese, if you get my drift.

Anyway, being all man, when I go to the store, I don't get a cart. I have 2 carts already. Those carts are my left hand, and my right hand. Once those carts are full, we're done shopping. Now and again in an emergency, with my arms full I might have to enlist the help of a random citizen. "Hey! I can't pick anything else up. Throw that table saw on top of this pile of crap i have in my arms. Thanks citizen!"

Once in a while I'm willing to be semi-reasonable and get one of those little hand baskets. Can I ask what I think is an obvious question? Thanks. Who designed those things? The last time I checked, when my hands are at my sides, my thumb faces forward. It does not face inward toward my thigh, or outward like i'm going to thumb random people standing next to me. With that being said, what the hell is up with the shopping baskets having handles that face that way? Put those fucking things on the basket the long way! That's how I hold the basket at my side. Who walks around the store with the basket sticking out lengthwise off their hip?

Better yet, don't put the handles on lengthwise. Do that little twist at the top. The folks over at Even-Flo figured it out for when you're carrying that kid around right? The handles come up the sides, then they do that little twist deal at the top, and bam! Normal, nonmutated humans can now hold their normal, nonmutated kids in utter bliss.
I guess the moral of the story is, if it's uncomfortable, turn it sideways. Maybe that's not the moral. I'm pretty sure it is though. I'm definitely sure I don't care if that's the moral or not.

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