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Yeah so...

by Paul Mar 24, 2008 10:45
Watch this video. Sike! Gotcha. Yes I know, awesome video, but seriously... I meant this video. I'll wait.

Back? Yes I know I spelled psych wrong. Here is my review of that commercial:


I have no friggin' idea what the hell I just saw. So I guess this Sobe Life Water is so tasty, it just makes you smile. That's what I do whenever I eat or drink something that tastes really good.

Secondly... did I say "What the hell?!" yet? Ok good. What the hell? Does it make lizards dance? If I drink it do I become evil? You saw what happened to the lizard's eye. Another lizard ate something (Had to be the fat lizard too right?). It might have been another lizard. I don't even know! Why am I yelling?! Will I turn into a canibal if I drink this stuff?

Thriller? Why? Why not Get Low by Lil' John and the East Side boys? F it. Why not On Top of Old Smokey (or my personal favorite On Top of Spaghetti... either because I'm Sicilian, or possibly because that's a juvenile rendition and I'm some form of Toys R Us kid)?

Did you notice she (Naomi Cambell by the way) started this silliness when the lizard caught a drop that splashed out when she "set" the drink down? Slammed it down more like. Who the hell puts their drink down like that?

This is delicious. ::BANG!!!::

Nevermind that she has to weigh like 105 pounds (or 1.5 Debbies for those of you keeping track at home)... I'm sorry but I just don't see her having the physical strength to slam a drink down hard enough to eject liquid into the air for a lizard to catch.
Now... if they showed her throwing the bottle at a latin housekeeper... MAYBE. Oh and as always I have to ask my two-part moron question: who's idea was this, and who is the idiot that approved it?

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This is going to be an awkward blog entry...

by Paul Oct 31, 2006 10:33
but nobody is perfect. This includes myself, despite all the obvious evidence to the contrary. Trust me, I'm struggling with this realization as much as the rest of you.

There's a commercial out there floating around about DLP televisions. Basically DLP is a technology created by Texas Instruments, possibly from Texas, I don't know. Yes THAT Texas Instruments. Yes, like your calculator. For the last time, YES! Can we move on now? Thanks.

Anyway... the commercial features a little girl standing next to an elephant, talking to some guy who looks like he's there to repair either an air conditioner, or maybe a washing machine; no that can't be right, those Maytag repairmen never have anything to do.

I digress.

Nevermind how preposterous this commercial is on face value, as I'm sure many of you out there with 8 year old caucasian daughters, dress your children in obnoxiously colored easter dresses on any random day of the year, and let them stand dangerously close to a live elephant under the supervision of only a Maytag man, arguably in the middle of an indoor football field. You are the same parents who let your sons grow up to blog in run-on sentences. Here's my problem. The slogan of this campaign is "It's amazing, it's the mirrors."

See folks, DLP technology uses millions of tiny mirrors to somehow make your television's picture look better. That's great. The problem is, the little girl says "It's the meers."

So... at first I thought I was hearing things. The 5th time, I knew she was saying it wrong. By the 23rd time, it was completely driving me up a wall. Am I going to hell because I constantly scream at a young child who can't even hear me? "GODDAMNIT IT'S PRONOUNCED MIR-RORS YOU STUPID ASS LITTLE GIRL!" Of course not. I'm going to hell for laughing at a story my brother told me about him laughing at a single-mother crying; because she sounded like Homer Simpson sobbing. Still, I'm pretty sure this little girl thing isn't helping my cause much.

It's not her fault. I know. To be honest, I'm not even mad at her personally; but who is in charge of this commercial? Are children also filming it? Perhaps a director with a sthpeech impediment? What the hell?! Can't anybody hear the girl say "meers". For crying out loud just jump in. "Hey sweet heart... it's pronounced 'mir-rors'." Somebody fucking noticed that. Don't tell me nobody noticed, because I noticed. Is it supposed to be cute or something? Because it's not. It's wrong. Meers isn't even a word. I looked it up to make sure.

If mispronounciation is what passes as cute in the year 2006, then the terrorists have already won.

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Move over Officer Dan...

by Paul Apr 4, 2006 10:24
There is a new bad-ass cop in town. That cop's name is a name that I don't know. I don't know because I don't watch CSI. However, I'm talking about CSI. Do you kids watch the CSI?

For those of you who have been held hostage in Iraq for the past few years, allow me to fill you in. CSI stands for Crime Scene Investigators, and now has like 29 spinoff shows that are exactly the same thing except in some other city. CSI: Miami, CSI:SVU (special victims unit), CSI:BBQ, CSI: Armpit America, and CSI: Butt-fucking Maniacs to name a few. Basically what a crime scene investigator does is like... show up to the scene. You know, the crime scene? Then, they investigate.

Before you tell me you could do a better job of that, you can't. It's more than just showing up, and figuring out which direction the kid on the bike got hit by the wheat thresher my friend. Crime Scene Investigators are the new cool cops in town. They beat crooks with their brains instead of with the butt of a pistol. Justice is now served up with dry cool wit, and MIT smarts; instead of dry cool handcuffs and beatdowns. It's a shame, I know.

Pardon me, but when did being a fucking nerd become so cool? These people walk around in their cool clothes, and show up in their cool unmarked cars (maybe because they're never in any actual danger unlike real cops) and then start trying to call the shots.

"Don't touch that!"

"You'll contaminate the whatchamacallit!"

Fuck you college graduate.

Oh and don't say Star Trek was when nerds became cool. Riker was cool. Data was cool. Captains Jean Luc Picard and Kirk were cool. Captain Janeway... negative. A female captain? Give me a break. I don't care how far into the future it is. No woman is steering me around the galaxy if she can't even get out of a driveway without ripping a mirror off my bucket. Anyway the point is, while elements of Star Trek may have been cool, it certainly did not allow nerds (ie: Star Trek fans) to be cool.

Before I get too long winded, allow me to get to the point. A Crime Scene Investigator has probably already deduced that I'm going to cuss somebody out. However, they don't actually prevent me from doing it like a real cop, they just figure it out.

CSI guys (and girls, to give you an idea of how little physical activity is involved) apparently know how every chemical and element under the sun reacts with everything else on earth. Yet they haven't solved the riddle of a healthy romantic relationship. Bummer.

CSI people get to the scene, and start barking out orders like a UFO just landed. Here's an entire CSI show plot in like one paragraph:

CSI Guy: "Rookie! Don't touch that!"
Rookie: "Sorry sir."
CSI Guy: "Goddamnit rookie. Hurry up and get me a bottle of anti-freeze, half a pack of tic-tacs, and a Capri Sun pouch!"

(editor's note: CSI Guys are always concocting potions and shit in the middle of the street to make elaborate solutions for obvious crimes.)

Rookie: "A Capri Sun pouch sir? I don't understand."
CSI Guy: "Jesus Christ Monkey Balls Rookie! The anti-freeze and the tic-tacs, when mixed together will ________ the victim's ________.This will enable ________ to ________ , and we'll find our perp."
Rookie: "Brilliant!... and the Capri Sun?"
CSI Guy: "I'm thirsty."

Hey guys, what the fuck happened to fingerprint dust and fucking DNA samples? Every goddamn episode they're sitting in the middle of the street mixing shit together like a bunch of Wiccans. Or, maybe MacGuyver. SIKE! Not even close to MacGuyver. The first time I actually watched the whole show thinking to myself "Surely if they're putting all these ingredients together, they'll be able to build something like the A-Team and then bust into a warehouse and take out like 50 guys." Boy was I wrong. Instead they just made some idiotic prediliction based on their idiotic potions, and solved the crime in the same manner.

CSI Guy: "I mixed the anti-freeze with the toad's eye, the dragon's claw, and a packet of gravel... Oh my god!"
Rookie: "WHAT?!?"
CSI Guy: "This substance is chewing gum."
Rookie: "How can you tell?"
CSI Guy: "It's stuck to my shoe."
Rookie: "But the only sale of chewing gum in this city in the past week has been by the corner store to Joe Blow!"
CSI Guy: "Precisely."

Wow. Give that guy the nobel prize. Stunning detective work. CSI sucks balls.
Barney Fife is rolling over in his grave.

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