Filter by APML

Pardon my French but...

by Paul Nov 19, 2007 10:42

I fucking hate the media. Primarily the news outlets.

Not the least of my reasons is the fact that most "news" these days is recycled from Reuters or the Associated Press. You can check newspapers in New York, Houston, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Bumfuck Tennessee.

They're ALL carrying the same stories. Take a look at some of these outlets who show you when the story was first run, and when it was updated. Bet it was updated within a few hours. Then again the next day.

Why? Well because they're in such a rush to be first to get news that nobody cares about, they make all kinds of mistakes in the process. Nevermind the fact that none of these "reporters" can write a complete sentence to begin with. I can't tell you the number of times I've read a sentence like eight times only to go "Oohhhhh... wait. What? So did the zoo-keeper say that; or can the monkey talk?"

The other reason is that they're all pandering to stupid MTV related news. MTV--I'm more and more convinced--is the bane of American culture; but that's a topic that I could write a novel about; not a blog entry.

Exhibit A: Kanye Wests' Moms' Surgeons' Arrest Warrant.

Did you know this guy was news? Me neither. Read the article, and then come back.

Did you close it? Open it up again. Let's review.

First of all, after you get into this really deep read (all four paragraphs). No wait.. sentences. No wait... hey can one sentence be a paragraph? Sure. Every single time? Eh, probably not.

So what have we learned? Well... this guy who you didn't know before Kanye's mom died, had an arrest warrant. Because he killed Kanye's mom right? Wrong! They just put her name in there because... well let me know if you figure out why.

So anyway... he gets arrested. No wait... no he doesn't. Ok so there's a warrant out for his arrest. No. Wrong again. There WAS a warrant out, for maybe an hour. Before it was promptly cancelled because he showed up in court (but not for Kanye's mom, for something else entirely). Let's really make it POP though, by completely misleading people and putting her name in the title of the article. Then let's take a half day and high-five ourselves on the way to the Starbucks. Douche bags.

So once again, the Associated Press has informed us of... basically nothing. There was news... but then the news got cancelled. So screw it, let's run the story about how there is nothing to talk about.
Hey, nobody's dying of AIDS in Africa or anything like that right?

Tags: , ,

Blogs | P Funk's Journal of Warm Fuzzy Feelings

If you're ever accused of child molestation...

by Paul Jun 13, 2005 09:58

Just Beat it! HAHAHA. Oh snaps. Good one me. No, but seriously, I, myself, personally am a big Michael Jackson fan. Given that his trial was decided today, I figured I'd do like everyone else in the world and write about it. However, I'm not here to talk about the trial as much as the coverage.

I'm sitting at work watching Wolf Blitzer on CNN. First they announce when the verdict will be read. Yeah right, I saw the Scott Peterson case too, and they were like an hour off on that verdict. Anyway, I digress. Wolf Blitzer is arguably one of the most recognizable personalities in news, yet he apparently has no fucking clue how trials are conducted. He, and his crack field team spent upwards of 45 minutes leading up to the verdict showing me footage of MJ moonwalking the 15 miles from his Neverland Ranch to the court house. Yes that's right, Michael Joe Jackson, moonwalked 15 miles, and set a world record. Then he got off scott free! What did you accomplish today?

So then, Wolf and his dudes, henceforth referred to as CFT for crack field team, start talking about not the verdict, but how the verdict will work. Wolf Blitzer, CNN superstar actually said the following:

Wolf Blitzer: So, CFT member... will the jury enter the courtroom and then read the verdict?

Gee Wolf, I really have no fucking clue. Does the jury decide the verdict and then read it? No that can't possibly be right. Is that how the judicial system works? Really, I have no idea! Is that normal?

Wolf Blitzer: Now...basically what happens is you have the trial. Where one guys says he's guilty, and the other guy says he's not, correct?

CFT Sack O'Crap: That's right Wolf. This is what's known as a "Trial." Basically, the two sides use "words" to "convince" the "judger people" that they are right. Then those "judger people" go into a little room, and I think get upset and throw staplers and free catered bagels at each other. They then...

Wolf Blitzer: Hold on CFT memeber! MJ's Cadillac and two Suburbans are pulling up. MJ could start dancing on hoods at any moment.

The Escalade, the more expensive of the 3 vehicles pulls up first and out comes... SIKE! In your face potential assassins. MJ is in the nondescript second vehicle.

Wolf Blitzer: I'm sorry CFT member, I was just wasting some more time. You were saying?

CFT Sack O'Crap: No problem Wolf, you may have noticed I have no idea what I'm talking about. But anyway as you were saying, YES, after the "judger people"...uh..."judge" whether he's guilty or not, they then come out, as you described, and "tell" us what they thought.

Wolf Blitzer: Fascinating stuff CFT member. We're going to go now to a shot of 400 people who have nothing better to do on a WORK DAY but stand in front of a court house.

Needless to say, they spent the next 15 minutes talking about whether or not the jury would file in single file, or two-by-two, paired off by gender, in order from tallest to shortest and in the event of a tie, sorted by last name, first name, alphabetical order starting with J (for justice). Wolf then made the point that he would have liked it if there were cameras in the courtroom. Wait. Really? Let me see if I understand. You're a news anchor, on TV, who's entire existence is based on the video feeds from cameras, and you actually WANT a camera in the courtroom to cover the story you're currently reporting on? Wow. I'm stunned. I never would have guessed that'd be your stance Wolf. No seriously, not in a million years. Well maybe in a million years. But certainly not in two million years. In two million years, I'd start to second guess myself.

Fast forward.

The jury foreman starts reading the verdicts "On the count of the lewd act of getting down on the hood of an SUV...not guilty"

Stupid Loser-no-job-having Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!!!

The crowd goes fucking bananas. Go ahead and say "B-A-N-A-N-A-S." Idiot. Then the jury reads the second charge.

Oh shit there's more? Yes. The crowd apparently was reading the same book as Wolf Blitzer about how the judicial process works.

That's right moron-crowd-outside there are ten charges, not one. So shut your fucking cake-holes. In either case he was found guilty on none of the charges so it's a moot point I guess, but they're all stupid nonetheless.

Following this result, every legal analyst in the world tells us that the prosecution picked the wrong family to charge Michael "Jam On!" Jackson. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you could pick who pressed charges against people these days. Well that's no good. They found him not guilty! Let's get somebody who's more credible to say he touched them. How about an altar boy?

In any case, MJ's not guilty according to the justice system, so quit hating and get off his nuts. Even if he doesn't want you to. Ah-Heee Heee! Yeah I went there.
JAM ON! There's nothing illegal about being a weirdo, anyway.

Tags: , ,

Blogs | P Funk's Journal of Warm Fuzzy Feelings