by Paul
Feb 17, 2005 08:53
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get your girl some cliché gifts for Valentine's day. Bake the skeezer a cake or something. While you're at it, draw her a card in crayon, by first folding up a piece of paper. Get the box of 8 fat ass crayons you used in kindergarten. You know the ones with one flat side so they don't roll off your desk? That way, you can show her how pretty she is by drawing her face on there, and coloring it in with orange; which is how you color caucasians with 8 crayon colors. If your girl is of African decent, then you know what color to use: black. Also, outline everything in black. In real life, everyone has black outlines.
All I'm saying is, if you're a guy like me (and by that I mean male) you probably suck at keeping your woman happy, so don't get her flowers and a balloon that will only serve to remind her how much you suck. The flower will be dead the next day, whithered away like her happiness and sense of excitement with your relationship. In the beginning she thought you were a moron, but nice; and she'd whip you into shape. Well (insert-length-of-your-relationship-here) months/years later, you haven't changed at all, and she's feeling like a failure. So what do you do? You buy her a balloon. A piece of mylar shaped like a heart. And do you know what that balloon is doing right now? It's sadly floating around her room while she's awake and you're snoring next to her, after that 4 and a half minutes of dynamite loving you just gave her. She's watching that balloon move closer and away from the bed in sync with your halitosis breathing. Half-deflated, and limp; bearing a striking resemblence to your manhood.
So take my advice fold a piece of paper, draw her face, and on the inside write "Dear Baby, I suck. If it's ok I'd like you to stay with me while I suck, until I die. Thanks!" Then maybe draw a heart. At least I think that should work.
Today my mood is: Mauve
I am happiest when I: Have a tub of icecream and Will and Grace is on. |
| In retrospect, I'd probably do it all differently. At least that's what I'd be thinking, as I did it exactly the same. |