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Guess who had stuff happen to him?

by Paul Apr 1, 2008 10:46

No come on, guess. You guys never listen to me, I swear. Anyway, since I'm constantly being harassed to write funny things, I set out on a task this weekend to involve myself in some cheeky shenanigans. Also, this one might take a few paragraphs, so either shut up in advance or go get a Snickers (fatty).

Since I'm the hunter, and the girl is the gatherer... I went to Target to hunt for furniture to build (preferably without tools). Not because I can't use tools mind you; I'm the hunter remember? No, more because I'm lazy.

So I loaded up my cart with a variety of goods to-be-assembled by your's truly. As I'm in the DVD area (because that's where they put the DVD furniture, not in the furniture section), a guy looks at me and asks, "Hey, do you guys have the soundtrack to the Sound of Music?" Um, where do I start? Ok, how about with the fact that I'm wearing a dark blue, long sleeved shirt, AT TARGET. How about the fact that I'm wearing Adidas slippers? Man target has really relaxed the dress code for their stock boys. Slippers and our competitors' colors are now acceptable attire. I actually took a moment to look down at myself to make sure I wasn't the idiot (am I ever? Don't answer that).

In the split second it took me to assess the situation, I decided the following:


A) Let him finish his question (even though I realized by the second word what was happening).
2) Telling him "Sorry, I don't work here." isn't nearly up to my standards.
2i) What CAN I say to him that will be up to my standards?
2ii) Which elements of my surrounding (I am actually a licensed ninja) will aid me in my options for a response?
... oh right, and

D) How dumb is this guy?

This is what happened:

Me: Yes, I think we do (point away from me over his shoulder).
He: (Turns to look) Thanks bro.

I immediately turned the corner of the aisle (see 2ii) and pulled my cart around after me. Let it not go unnoticed that the same man who asked me about the Sound of Music soundtrack responds with the term "bro."

Back at home I unpack my set of shelves, the desk, and the DVD rack. Yes, all at once, why? No, I'm not sure what can go wrong. I'm not sure I'm following you here. Anyway...

I build the desk and DVD case effortlessly. I'm pretty sure the ease of those tasks automatically gains me admisstion to MIT for higher education, but I digress.

The shelves I purchased, are wire and metal (man and manlier), so I set about putting the legs together. Once I got done doing a quick martial arts kata with my shelf-leg-bo-staff (I told myself I could have been a world champion), I stood next to the "leg" and observed to myself that it was taller than I am. "Man this is tall." I noted (Told you I observed to myself). This can't be right. I look back at a box that tells me this is a 72" shelf. Seventy two inches... man what is that like... oh wait... that's six feet tall. Two thoughts enter my head at this point.

Un) Goddamn six feet tall is a big ass shelf!
Deux) If it's six feet tall, why the hell doesn't it say that? Who the hell knows what the hell seventy two inches is... the hell?!

Right? Don't lie to me, you had no idea how long/tall seventy two inches is. I'll tell you how long it is. It's long enough for me to keep spelling the number out entirely, that's for sure.

The moral of this story is, once I assembled said big-ass-shelves... It took me a few minutes to load it up with all the random boxes and crap that had previously been occupying my entire office/den/dining room area. Just like that. No tools required, and that six foot shelf fixed all of my problems folks. Incidentally, the few minutes it took me to load the shelves up happened the next day because, well, building it was an accomplishment that was important enough to get its own day; not to be mixed in with the menial chore of putting objects on a shelf.Since I know you're all looking to me for advice, the next time you have a crisis in life, think about the moral of this story. Have you tried to solve the problem? Ok, that's fair. Now, have you thought about throwing a six foot shelf at that issue? Broke? Broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe you're just broke in the face? First things first here... try to fix it with a six foot shelf. Don't say it didn't work if you haven't tried it.

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