so it should be pretty obvious by now that John and I are both total fat-asses. I really want to do something about it, but it's genetic. I have a glandular problem. Also I have no self esteem. I can't help it. Leave me alone because I can't lose weight. Alright, I'll do it! With that hurdle cleared, I started my diet with orange juice and string cheese. I noticed a couple things. First, string cheese has to be the stupidest food on the face of the earth. Cheese does not come pre-strung, so somewhere Malaysian children are slaving away to string this cheese. Maybe in Malaysia, I just don't know.

Anyway, who eats string cheese by peeling off strings of it at a time? Does it strike anyone else as weird that a piece of food that small requires 2 hands to eat? I mean christ, who's stopping you from taking a bite out of the whole thing? I'll tell you who... wait, no I won't. I just don't know. With that being said, I suggest you get some string cheese, and eat it in a mirror. Pay attention to how ridiculous a human adult looks, consuming a piece of cheese by peeling down strings of it off a larger cylinder of cheese. I guarantee after watching yourself eat cheese on a string by string basis, you will agree with me.

Moving on. I then shook my individually sized container of orange juice, wherein I noted that I was doing this weird wrist-action, twisty shake job on it. Who shakes containers of liquid like this? Is the permeation of male masturbation imagery in our society so perverse that we cannot shake containers in a jerk-off motion? There's nothing to be ashamed of. Even Intellectual Ape has to rub one out once in a while. Clearly this method of shaking is more effective. At this juncture, I set out to establish a new and cool shaking method. I decided to use the maraca rattle method. If you've ever seen any good fat maraca guys, they have this little rhythmic wrist flick, WHILE they're doing the whole, up-and-down arm motion. Not only is it a super effective shake method, but it makes orange juice "fun". We all need fun food. If you've stopped peeling string cheese like I have, all that creative food consumption has to go somewhere.

Before I forget,

I'm currently losing weight by: thinking thin.
I am listening to: a Linkin Park song; because I think upper class white kids singing to me about how rough life is, is extremely poignant and meaningful.I've tried so hard, and come so far; in the end, it doesn't even matter because nobody was taking my position seriously to begin with. Hey, live and learn.

Everyone is outraged over a recent news story of a young human who scaled school building donned in a gorilla mask. Rather than chicanery or mayhem ensuing, simple humans called law enforcement. Apes and humans are up in arms of varying length over actions taken. Yet, Intellectual Ape is acutely aware of post-Columbine, post-9-11 security situation and agrees steps should have been taken to destroy wayward human.

Some humans think otherwise. They whine with inferior vocal chords and decry the response by school administration as a pitiable knee-jerk reaction to simple prank. Orwellian state they claim. Let Intellectual Ape construct this would-be human scenario had police not been called. Intellectual Ape will use information about human high school gleaned from television set in jungle hut.

Scenario:

Human male dons gorilla mask to pay reverence to majestic creatures and get out of Algebra. Human male climbs school building seen by everyone at school and patrons at the Maxx. Mr. Belding is outraged and sentences human male to two weeks detention. Jessie and Slater still on the rocks. End of story.

Sure, it sounds good. But the reality is different. Puny humans simply could not know who or what was on the roof. The image of gorilla is terrifying and paralyzing. Here is a more realistic scenario:

Thing in gorilla mask is apprehended on roof and brought down to quad area at end of half-hour segment. Blonde male student de-masks gorilla creature to reveal human head. Other humans are relieved. Human-headed captive curses captors. Other humans let down their guard. Captive tears off human head mask to reveal true self: a gorilla with an even smaller head than previously imagined. Jaw of smaller-headed gorilla is able to go straight for the human jugular whereas normal-headed gorilla jaw would have met interference with human skull and clavicle. Smaller-headed gorilla proceeds to de-jug surrounding humans.

If you believed that last point, Intellectual Ape has fooled you. It is quite clear you spend too much time reading National Geographic articles on naked tribesmen and not enough time on articles covering gorillas. Gorillas don't bite sideways. Silly. Still, a smaller-headed gorilla bite would inflict serious damage. Injured white teen girls would require plastic surgery well before 18th birthday surgical celebration planned by equally insecure human mother.

The preceding scenario demonstrates the deceptive and menacing power of the gorilla and gorilla guises. Intellectual Ape once donned full gorilla costume for jungle Halloween party. Partygoers were stunned when Intellectual Ape removed mask. Effect was hilarious. Intellectual Ape digresses.

Humans could prevent future occurrences through proper gorilla safety measures: markings with excrement, thorough chest thumping, and throwing clumps of dirt. Should a creature with gorilla appearance scale another building, humans should resist the urge to man aircrafts and circle wildly. Rather, deal with gorilla forcibly for control of clan.

- IAAs an ape, Intellectual Ape feels the duty to comment on all things primate. While Intellectual Ape is more intellectual than normal apes, Intellectual Ape still struggles with concept of 'self' and thus refers to Intellectual Ape in third person.

Perhaps Intellectual Ape's simpler view of the world will add needed clarity to situations.

- IA

I am currently listening to: A song people in Nebraska would think is sung by a homosexual.
Today's word is: Super.

Am I the alone in thinking that Fez, the loveable character from That 70's Show bears a striking resemblence to Mati, the member of the Planeteers of Captain Planet fame? The ladies love both of them. Fez is a sensitive guy, and Mati controlled the power of Heart. Sure on the surface Fire, or Water might seem more powerful, but if you think about it would Captain Planet be able to use those powers without his heart? Is not judgement of good versus evil the ultimate power? Is not using the phrase "is not" a terrible way to start a sentence? How far has our public school system really sinkeded when guys like I are talking to yous like that?That's what I'm talking about.