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by Paul
Apr 7, 2005 09:46
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I was all man. Luckily, I still am. Luckily for all the ladies in the world. Luckily for all the ladies in the world who don't order Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese, if you get my drift.
Anyway, being all man, when I go to the store, I don't get a cart. I have 2 carts already. Those carts are my left hand, and my right hand. Once those carts are full, we're done shopping. Now and again in an emergency, with my arms full I might have to enlist the help of a random citizen. "Hey! I can't pick anything else up. Throw that table saw on top of this pile of crap i have in my arms. Thanks citizen!"
Once in a while I'm willing to be semi-reasonable and get one of those little hand baskets. Can I ask what I think is an obvious question? Thanks. Who designed those things? The last time I checked, when my hands are at my sides, my thumb faces forward. It does not face inward toward my thigh, or outward like i'm going to thumb random people standing next to me. With that being said, what the hell is up with the shopping baskets having handles that face that way? Put those fucking things on the basket the long way! That's how I hold the basket at my side. Who walks around the store with the basket sticking out lengthwise off their hip?
Better yet, don't put the handles on lengthwise. Do that little twist at the top. The folks over at Even-Flo figured it out for when you're carrying that kid around right? The handles come up the sides, then they do that little twist deal at the top, and bam! Normal, nonmutated humans can now hold their normal, nonmutated kids in utter bliss. |
| I guess the moral of the story is, if it's uncomfortable, turn it sideways. Maybe that's not the moral. I'm pretty sure it is though. I'm definitely sure I don't care if that's the moral or not. |
by Paul
Mar 30, 2005 09:45
to determine if you're cool or not. It's pretty easy: you're not. HAHAHAHAHA. Ok seriously. Here's what you do. Get your closest lady friend to take a picture of you doing whatever it is you think is cool. I say lady friend, because they all have cameras with them at all times; and also when you get those pictures back from school picture day, they're so good at cutting those wallet sizes in perfectly straight lines. Even when they're using left handed safety scissors.
Anyway, take that picture, develop it, and look at it next week. If you look like a total faggot, you're not cool. How many times have you looked at old pictures of yourself and thought "Damn, if only I could have remained that studly." The reality is you can't believe you thought aqua and teal were legitimate colors, or you wonder if your right eye really is smaller than your left.
In conclusion, give it the week long picture test. I guarantee if the world could follow my directions we wouldn't have had to deal with a lot of fashion (read black spandex biker shorts with neon green and pink stripes down the leg) attrocities, or the resurgent idea that smoking is cool. This isn't the 1920's folks, it's an established fact that cancer kills. Also it makes you smell like hot ass in a landfill. Also, if you're a girl and you smoke, you're ugly. Yeah, I said what you think i said. On the other hand, we would never have been blessed with Hammer Pants. Damnit!
Today's color is: Aqua...teen. Hunger Force.Hey can we also stop flipping the camera off in every picture? Not only is it the adult version of bunny ears, but it's really confusing. Fuck me? Or, are you referring to whoever took the picture? I don't know who took the picture. Now I'm just lost. The fact that you're a complete piece of crap, however, remains abundantly clear.
by Paul
Mar 18, 2005 09:43
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because I'm on my period, and it lasts all month. No but seriously, am I the only person who hates the month of May? I realize it's March, but let me explain before you close this browser window to go waste your next 50 hours playing Yahoo! Pool. The month of March and May, both start with "ma" and I get confused. Not so much while we're betwixt said months, but when planning in advance, I have severe problems differentiating.
If I was to tell you in September "Hey Ugly...", by the way Ugly is just a pet name I have for you. Don't take it personally, I don't mean any insult. Your mother and I were joking about it one time, but I digress. So if I says to you, I says... "Hey Ugly, we're going to the fat ass convention in May." You'd be like "FAT-TASTIC!". I'd point out that you're not funny, and you'd probably cry. Still, that's besides the point. The point is when March comes around, you'd be getting all excited, with your little fat dance talking about "We're going to Fat Camp!" and doing a little mashed-potato dance. But, you're wrong. It's in May, not March. Guess what? You have to wait TWO WHOLE MONTHS to go. That sucks, am I right?
Logically, you'd expect to have the same problem with June and July. As I expected though, you're wrong. See, June and July come one right after the other. So if I promised to take you ice cream tasting in July, and June hits, and you're doing your dance again, and tightening up the strap on your fanny pack, I'd say, "Hey there Tons-of-Fun, it's June. Ice cream is next month." You'd be all butt hurt. But hurt, would not last long. (See how I did that little play on the words but and hurt there? Thanks. I liked it too.) Because realistically, July is only a couple weeks away from June. There's no reason to get your panties in a bunch. When that happens in March though, May is so far away you might as well write what you want to do in your will or living trust, and hope your grandkids get to it someday in their lifetime.
I am listening to: Great rapping by Lil John. |
| Fuck you May. You ruined April for me too. |
by Paul
Mar 15, 2005 09:42
that people should be brought up with more confidence in themselves. Nobody's willing to go against the grain and be unpopularly positive. Everyone's ready and willing to be a nay-sayer however. How many people that you know will say "No, I think that's a great idea!", when the masses think it will suck? Probably not a whole lot. I present a case study for you:
How many times have you been sitting at a table with like 5 other people eating your Honey Bunches of Oats? I don't mean you just got there either. You're on like, bowl number three. You're a fat, fat man (or woman), but that's a subject for another entry. Anyway, on your 3rd bowl, some douché bag sits down and goes "Hey, does this milk smell bad to you?" All of a sudden everyone at the table starts shitting golden bricks.
"Oh my God! It does!"
"Yeah douché bag is right."
"Gross."
You know damn well there's nothing wrong with the milk. The expiration date is clearly a week away. Don't be such a sucker.
Today's shape is: RhumbusHey, I think you're gay.
"Oh my God! It does!"
"Yeah douché bag is right."
"Gross."
by Paul
Mar 11, 2005 09:41
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do parents feel the need to tell you how old their kids are when they're attempting to portray how fit they are to handle stress. "Hey don't tell me, I've got a 3 year old." You mean you have a child? Three, four, 16, what's the difference? Guess what, I have a left shoe AND a right shoe.
I also like when parents (especially women) take a pot shot at their husbands with phrases like "I have two kids and a husband to take care of, I know what ______ is all about." Do you know what changing a tire is all about? Good thing you take care of that husband so he can change that tire when you're out picking up one of your two kids (one of whom is 3 years old, because that makes a difference). Incidentally I'm sure you rescued that guy from a ditch of dispair anyway. There's no way he was doing alright on his own before you showed up and started like... PMSing every so often to keep him on his toes. |
| The luckiest man in the world is an understatement. |
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